Marriage After Divorce

One of the most important things we learn in life is how to handle disappointment. There are two extremes we can fall into–setting high expectations and always feeling disappointed, or learning to set no expectations at all. But there is a healthy medium in the middle we can all strive to meet. As a stepparent, appropriate expectations is an important goal to strive for.

There are many expectations that stepparents have. The most common of these expectations is that being a stepparent should feel like being a birth-parent. In my experience, the stepparents who have the hardest time lowering this expectation are those who also have their own biological children. Their expectations stem from a constant comparison with their biological children. These parents constantly find themselves disappointed when their stepchildren do not respond the same way their biological children do.

My first advice is this: you can have a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship with your stepchild(ren), but that relationship will NEVER be the same as the one with your biological child(ren). Let go of that expectation! It will only bring you heartache and drive your stepchild further from you. Don’t put yourself down, just like the differences between men and women, step and bio parents have different roles. That is OK. It doesn’t make you less important or less loved–it just makes your relationship DIFFERENT.

When a stepparent dynamic is in play–no matter the situation through divorce or death–the nature of the relationship with your spouse is different than that of a marriage without this dynamic. A major component being disappointment. A stepparent often finds themselves having to play the role of encourager to their spouse, being optimistic and setting high expectations to help their spouse avoid depression and disappointment of their own. We find ourselves building hope and trying to make everything positive, in a way that can come crashing down around us if we place too high of expectations on ourselves.

I say this all, not from having some great insight beyond yours that I must share, but because I sit here early in the morning, unable to sleep because of my own bout with disappointment.

Every story is different, but to simplify mine out of respect to my family and an ongoing court battle. My husband has been alienated from his children and denied access to them for several years, he fights a constant uphill battle and I am his biggest (and sometimes only) cheerleader. I know personally how difficult it is to be a child in that situation–afraid to love “the other parent.” So, I fight not only for my husband, but for the children because I know firsthand how desperately they need their father in their lives. That passion sometimes comes with great disappointment. Especially as a stepparent who has never even met their stepchildren.

Most of the time I think I can keep a lot of my expectations in the realistic realm because of my own experiences with my stepparents. But sometimes you just want something too much.

For me it was a hope that my husband would reconnect with his children for his birthday. After a long struggle with the family court system and years of delays, the judge ordered restoration therapy. Finally, my husband would be able to sit down with his kids and a court-appointed counselor and start rebuilding broken relationships and hopefully shed light on any emotional and psychological needs of the children that could be addressed with therapy–which in my personal opinion should be mandatory for every child who has to deal with divorce (and the penalty for any parent who keeps their child from therapy should be a prison sentence for neglect and abuse). Soapbox aside, there was finally light at the end of the tunnel and I was busy to the task of building up my husband as he has been beaten down so much from the journey that he didn’t even believe any of it would happen. We walked away from the courthouse that day and I was like, “Do you realize what this means? You are going to see your children again!” Of course, in my mind I was tacking on “and maybe even before your birthday!”

I saw a perfect opportunity for building a family memory, when I placed a bid at a silent charity auction for 4 tickets to a major league baseball game. I figured, by the time this game rolls around, my husband could have restored visitation… this would be so much fun…. I wonder if the kids have ever been to a major league baseball game before… so many thoughts swirled in my head. So, I put in a bid and left it up to fate. The tickets were worth so much more than I could afford to pay, so I really didn’t expect to win them… but I did. And it felt like destiny. I tucked them away, hoping to surprise my husband as soon as the kids came back into our lives.

But that day didn’t come. Lawyers sparing, counselors too busy to make appointments for weeks… everything in the universe seems to be against my husband reconnecting with his kids. Months go by and we are in the same place we were in before. It’s so frustrating, I just want to scream! And now the day has come and gone for the ballgame I had hoped to be our first family outing together. And I fight to hold back the tears from rolling down on the club-level seat tickets, as I imagine what could have been.

I want to keep encouraging my husband to go on, but at the same time feel so broken and helpless. It seems like there will never be an end to the pain. And my heart aches for the children, whose pain is intensified by their age.

I have to take my own advice and take my expectations down a notch. That would have been too quick of a turnaround to be possible, anyway. Going from years of separation, to happy family outing in a matter of months. I just want it so bad. For my husband, for the children, for my family as a whole. But we have to keep things in perspective and take life one step at a time.

Coincidentally enough, I learned a lot of these lessons from my own stepmother–even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I’m sure she had a lot of her own disappointment moments. But the one I remember in particular had to do with her cooking… You see, my stepmother would often try to cook dinner for us when my siblings and I visited. I’m not sure of all of her motivation behind it, but I do know that we were the opposite of grateful. I remember her cooking things like Chicken Parmesan, which I didn’t like and didn’t want to eat. But at the same time, I was a depressed teenager who blamed my stepmother for my parents failed marriage, so I also had an attitude and deep desire to not like anything about her or anything she did. So refusing to eat anything she made was just par for the course, really.  In retrospect, the night she chopped up fresh veggies and put together a huge build-your-own taco bar, knowing that it was my favorite meal, was probably her “olive branch” in a manner of speaking. I can only imagine how disappointed and hurt she must have felt that I constantly hated her when she had never done anything to me. I don’t remember everything that had happened that day, but I remember that I wasn’t feeling all that well. I don’t blame my stepmother for being upset and disappointed when she had made this huge dinner for me and I informed her that I wasn’t going to eat it. She probably thought I was just being a spoiled little brat–which really wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. I wasn’t feeling all that great, but not bad enough to continue to protest after her “I made this just for you and you will eat it,” moment. So, I reluctantly obliged and ate a bunch of tacos. Which I really regretted when I awoke a few hours after going to bed only to heave-ho the whole meal all over the bathroom.

While it wasn’t the most glorious of experiences, it’s one that marks a turning point in my relationship with my stepmother. Even if I hadn’t eaten that meal, the fact that she specifically made something I loved just for me was huge. And even though I’d have argued that the only reason she did it was because my dad was laid up with a broken leg and wouldn’t have been much help… it was even bigger that she got up to take care of me when I was sick.

So, take it from me. Little actions go a long way. So, don’t get caught up in disappointment when something doesn’t go as planned. Especially with children. Things take time. Usually more time than you think. Be patient and know that if you continue to do what is right you will be rewarded.

Next time you want to get upset that your stepchild didn’t give you a Mother’s Day card, or refused to eat the dinner you made, or wear an outfit you bought, or whatever the situation–don’t. Set high expectations for your relationship to flourish (I have a great relationship with my stepmother now that I am grown, that is always improving) but don’t put a time limit on it. These things take time. Don’t let the delay disappoint you.