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Month: June 2016

Three Things I Wish My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

Three Things I Wish My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

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One of the most devastating things about growing up as a child of divorce is missing out on witnessing a healthy marriage. I cannot stress enough to parents that a healthy marriage is the best gift you can ever give your child. For those of you with children in a secondary relationship (following divorce, death, adoption, etc.), no pressure, but your relationship becomes exponentially more important and more intimately scrutinized. Actions speak louder than words.

That being said, here are the major three things I wish my parents had taught me about marriage:

1.) Marriage is a Choice

There are actually two parts to this item. First there is a choice to marry. Believe it or not, not everyone has to get married. It is a choice. Our society places a lot of emphasis on marriage, constantly pressuring single people with a guilt that they are less valued–ironic, since there is so little respect for the sanctity of marriage. Even the church often neglects the single, widowed, and divorced, while elevating married as the desired status; which is probably why the apostle Paul spent so much time speaking on the subject (1 Corinthians 7). I don’t know all the specifics of his life, but scholars believe that Paul was married and widowed sometime before writing the letters to Corinthians. I’m just guessing, but I think he must have gotten a lot of flack from others in the church about not remarrying. (Maybe his driving point that being married “is good, but being single is better,” was provoked by church members taunting single people with the notion that they may be bestowed with the unwanted “gift” of celibacy.) We should not place unnecessary pressure on anyone. Everyone has to make their own choice as to whether or not they want to marry (or remarry) and there are pros and cons for each path.

Secondly, if you do choose to marry, you must choose to whom you will marry. This choice is often labeled as “the most important decision of one’s life,” and is the focus of countless books, movies, and other media that shapes societal opinion. Unfortunately, our society has created a misnomer in the idea of “the one” and an epic journey to find the only perfect match. I plan to discuss this further in a future blog, but to keep this pithy I am going to just summarize that marriage is not about finding the perfect mate. A healthy marriage begins with finding yourself and then actively choosing to make a commitment to another person.

2.) Marriage is a Commitment

Recently, Pope Francis made a stir in the media for suggesting that most marriages today are invalid because couples do not understand the magnitude of the commitment required. I’m sure some people were offended at the notion, but you have to admit that he has a point. Whether or not a marriage is or isn’t “valid” (whatever that means), our society does not view or teach marriage as a lifelong commitment. In our culture–especially in the United States–marriage is disposable. Assumption usually is that your marriage isn’t going to last long, “so enjoy the ride and get a pre-nup!” We condemn ourselves to failure before ever leaving the gate. Just like in a team sport scenario, the team dynamic is poisoned by a lack of loyalty.

We have to bring marriage back to it’s purpose. A covenant. A lifelong commitment to an imperfect human being, whom we are choosing to stand behind through hell or high water. Presumably everyone can recite the typical marriage vows, “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…” but does anyone truly understand the depth of that commitment? And what are you teaching your children?

3.) Marriage is a Challenge

The culmination of the previous two points is this–marriage is a challenge. Marriage takes effort, time, and ongoing, non-stop hard work. The challenge begins with the choice and making the commitment and then carries on throughout every moment for what should be forever. Marriage is not easy. Paul was trying to convey that point to the people of Corinth many moons ago, and I plead with you today to see the gravity of the situation. You have to fight for your marriage. Every day. For the rest of your life.

There is nothing you can do to completely escape struggle in your marriage. You will endure hard times. Choosing the perfect person doesn’t catapult you to a magical land where you never disagree. Your spouse’s history, age, race, religion, career, family lineage, personality, baggage, or [enter whatever other quality you believe may make or break a marriage here] will not change the fact that marriage is hard. The only thing that changes is how you will react to the situation. Are you committed to your choice? Or will you walk away at the first sign of trouble and blame away your own responsibility?

In summary, Marriage is choosing a person and committing to facing every challenge in life with them hand-in-hand, together forever. And there is no shame in choosing not to take that road.

For the Fathers Separated from their Children on Father’s Day

For the Fathers Separated from their Children on Father’s Day

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For many years, there was one moment in movies, at weddings, etc. that would inevitably bring me to tears and make me feel like someone had just stabbed me with a knife through the heart:  a father-daughter dance. Every time. Why? Because I was preemptively mourning something I thought I would never have. It hurts so much to watch someone else be happy enjoying something that you long for.

I am not a father (and never will be, courtesy of me being a woman and all), so I cannot directly share your pain of being away from your children on Father’s Day.  However, I do want to share what I encouragement I can offer from the other side. Because I have been a child separated from her father for so much more than just Father’s Day.

My parents divorced when I was a child. Prior to that divorce, I was your typical Daddy’s girl. I was my father’s little princess and he was my hero. The foundation of my life crumbled along with my parent’s marriage. The divorce was ugly, lasted for years, and ultimately ended with my mother moving my siblings and me 1500 miles away from our father and everyone we knew.

Years of geographical separation paired with resentment and bitterness fueled by my devastated mother caused an emotional alienation from my father. I went from being sad, to being mad, to never wanting to see my father again, to referring to him as my “sperm donor” and minimizing his impact on my life. At least I tried. And so I cried. Every time I saw a father-daughter dance.

The thing about parent-child relationships is that you can’t break them. You can’t ignore them. You can’t destroy them. You can’t try to run away and escape them. The blood bond is just too strong. Trust me. I’ve tried. So no matter what happens–whether death, divorce, abuse, alienation–whatever your story is, your child will always love you and want to be with you (even if their words and/or actions say otherwise at the present moment).

As a father, part of your job is to sacrifice for your children. It is unfortunate and unnatural that you have to sacrifice this way, but yet here you are spending [another] Father’s Day without the very child[ren] that qualify you to celebrate this holiday. And you have to bear it. You have to stay strong. You have to maintain a level head and also not resort to anger–against yourself, or your child, or their mother, or whoever you think may be responsible for the current divide. Sometimes it is your job to make the sacrifice. It is not fair. But no one said fatherhood was fair.

So, I’ve been a little depressing but I intend to encourage, I promise. If there is one thing I want to desperately say to you today it is to keep on loving your child[ren]. You are and always will be their Daddy. They love you. Love them. Love them with the unconditional love that parents were always meant to share with their children. And when they are angry and bitter and tell you that they hate you and never want to see you again, love them harder; because they need it all the more. Given your situation, you may have to love them from afar; but do everything you do as though they are watching you (because they probably are, or will be) and are looking for an opportunity to run back to you.

I married a divorcee. My husband has been separated from his children for years. It kills me to see the pain in his eyes, every day; because every day is a one more day they aren’t together. It is a crying shame, but has become a staple of our society (I have heard countless stories) for loving, able fathers to be alienated from their children. Please know that the children hurt, too. Your child may be caught in the middle of a tug-of-war with his/her mother and just trying to survive with the least amount of damage. Your child may have been turned against you by someone they trust and doesn’t know what the truth is anymore. Your child may be an adult who disagreed with you on something and just isn’t ready to admit they were wrong yet. So many stories, but they can all end well with the same approach–Love and open arms.

I want to close with a special photograph. And a thank you to my own father. I spent 15+ years of my life trying to eliminate my father from my life, reveling in resentment and bound by bitterness. I don’t know the extend of the pain I caused him; but I’m well acquainted with how much I have hurt myself. I couldn’t be more grateful or proud of my dad who, when I realized that I wanted and needed him, was waiting for me with open arms. Loving me the same way he did when I was a three year old little princess. After all of the terrible things I have said (and thought and felt) to and about my father, he loves me and continues to sacrifice of himself for me.

I sometimes mourn the lost opportunities for all the memories I could have had with my father over the span of the many years we were emotionally separated. However, I no longer preemptively mourn for things that I think I’ll never had. Life is too short, and suspect for change. Today will not inevitably be your tomorrow.

Enjoy today. Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Reminisce of all the happy memories you have shared with your child[ren] and look forward to the memories you will create in the future. You will be reunited with your child[ren]. Focus on being ready by continuing to love them through the pain and keeping your arms wide open.

My Father-Daughter Dance

My father-daughter dance–that I thought would never happen–became a reality at my wedding. Thank you, Daddy. I love you!

Marriage After Divorce

Marriage After Divorce

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I’m sure there will always be naysayers telling me how I don’t really understand divorce because I myself have never been divorced. I do understand divorce. And my entire life has been influenced and affected by divorce–my parents divorce. Getting divorced and being a child divorce are two different things. On top of that difference, each individual is affected differently by the circumstances of divorce. However, I submit to you that the underlying spirit that affects everyone in divorce is betrayal. When two people come together in marriage they make a commitment to retain that union forever. Divorce is a betrayal.

Betrayal – the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations, or between individuals and organizations. (Wikipedia)

People who get divorced usually feel betrayed. Most often they see that betrayal as adultery or another act but the divorce itself is also a betrayal. Betrayal by both parties. Your partner may have betrayed you when they committed adultery, but you also betrayed them when you walked away instead of getting to the root of the problem and working to resolve your differences – as you vowed to do “for better or for worse.”

What people don’t see is how divorce is a betrayal to their children. When we have children we don’t have elaborate ceremonies and make public vows to them promising to support them, providing for their physical and emotional needs. But it is implied. An implied contract. Parents realize their responsibility to their child’s physical needs and outsiders assume that is why divorces get so ugly, arguing over the house, custody, the children’s expenses–after all what decent parent isn’t doing what they feel is best for their child? What most parents (and outsiders) don’t see is the implied promise in the heart and the mind of a child that they will always be one family with the two people who made them. And you might think well I didn’t or couldn’t ever promise that! And that doesn’t really matter. A child inherently feels that way and consequently feels betrayed when that commitment is not kept. Furthermore, the high-conflict divorce situation cuts the betrayal even deeper as angry parents argue over physical needs while ignoring the emotional need of their child to continue fostering healthy relationships with both of their parents.

Another thing to keep in mind is that being betrayed and feeling betrayed are two different things. But are they really? When you feel betrayed does it not still create the moral and psychological stress that actual betrayal does? The problem that arises with children is that they have a more difficult time understanding and communicating their feelings. There is probably enough evidence to prove that divorce–in itself–is emotional abuse to children. Not that I’m saying I’m against divorce. Personally, I find staying in a failed marriage “for the kids” to be even more detrimental and abusive (but that is an entirely different blog). I just think it is very important for parents to be aware of their child’s emotional needs.

My parents divorce rocked the very foundation of my life. It changed my worldview and most specifically my view of people and relationships. Imagine one day your parents telling you that they made you because “Mommy and Daddy love each other very much,” then in the future being told “Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce because they just don’t love each other anymore.” Imagine your view of love? Your view of marriage? Love is forever? Pffft! Marriage is sacred? Ha! Marriage is a commitment? Yeah right! It seems like marriage is more of a social stamp on love. Which is easily erased when you “fall out of” love. Marriage becomes disposable. Thousands of children everyday become hardened against marriage because of its disposable nature. I spent most of my life vowing to myself to never get married and to never have children that would inevitably be abused by this world. It took 20 years and a lot of turmoil for me to forgive my parents and to redefine my view on marriage.

A friend shared of blog listing the ways that children of divorce love differently. The thing that stood out to me the most was feeling “hard to love.”  That is a feeling I have spent most of my life trying to overcome. We expect others to love us as those we have dealt with previously (our parents). We believe that we will inevitably be betrayed, abandoned, etc. because we feel our parents did those things. And if our parents–our very flesh and blood–value us so little that they would treat us so poorly, why would someone who is not related to us (forced to be with us) want to be with us? If my parents don’t love me, how could anyone else ever love me?

I also vowed I would never marry a divorcee. Too much baggage. Too much hurt that I don’t want to relive. Too big of a chance for history to repeat itself. I also felt entitled to something bigger, something better then my childhood. Because of the bad hand I was dealt as a kid and because I’ve never been with anyone else, don’t I deserve something better? All part of the misconception I built in my head about marriage.

I did marry a man from divorce. And it is beautiful. We understand one another’s hurts and hesitations. We pass beyond sympathy to empathy. We know how to build each other up and are aware of what tears one another down. And I think we love harder because of divorce. It is possible to be like the Phoenix and rise from the ashes of divorce to something more beautiful than before. So to those of you divorce or entering the idea of marrying a divorcee let me encourage you today. Divorce is not an end. There is marriage after divorce. And it is possible to have the love we only see in fairy tales and to appreciate it all the more.