Who am I?
My story goes back several months to a Chamber of Commerce luncheon I attended, where circumstances lead to me sitting at a table with city officials, including an apparently very important gentleman receiving a lot of attention. “So, glad you could join us Mr. Senator!” Mr. Senator?!?! No wonder he is being treated like royalty! I continue to smile and converse with the people at the table, thinking to myself how I need to start paying more attention to the people in politics so I don’t find myself in these awkward situations where I’m eating lunch with someone important whom I don’t recognize. Come to find out this former senator, was none other than Hank Erwin–also a well known Christian evangelical broadcaster. I had to be the only person in the entire room who didn’t know who he was. (Can I justify my ignorance at all by stating that I am not from Birmingham? Maybe? A little bit?) Well, you know what, you ought to treat all people the same anyway. And we are on a level playing field, since he doesn’t know me either. Then, he turns to me and says those gut-wrenching words I so loath to hear, “So, who is Melissa?” It’s already painful when any random stranger asks me that. But someone of his stature, looking at me, and asking about who I am. What I do? What are my successes in life? Honestly, I wanted to climb under the table and wish this whole situation away. Who am I? I am no one. Especially by comparison to the people in this room. I’m the girl who strives for excellence in everything, but has nothing to show for all the heart I put into the things I do, because I’m always behind the camera. I graduated at the top of my class and was expected to be a phenomenal success, but I show more as a failure. I received a Bachelor’s Degree in filmmaking, at a local college, an hour away from where I grew up. I am an eternal dreamer, with reality gnawing at every fiber of my being as I go to work every day at a dead-end job which barely pays enough for me to make ends meet. I am the single 25 year old girl whom cannot build a lasting relationship, because all the men of authority in my past abused, abandoned, and rejected me. I’m the foreigner–born in Massachusetts, raised in Florida, and picked up everything and just moved to BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–of all places in the world–Just because I felt lead there. Wow. I am an emotionally damaged, professional failure, who is crazy enough to believe that I could find my purpose by moving to a new city–where I know no one (including public officials and local icons)–because a higher power prompted me to do so. So… which part of that should I say aloud first? I know. Right? *sigh* But hey, my job inspires me every day to sugar coat the crap life hands me… so, I smiled and said something. Blah. Blah. Blah. I don’t remember. Did it even matter? Funny thing is. It did. I mentioned film school and Mr. Erwin’s entire face lit up like a Christmas tree! I mean, usually I try to downplay my lost dreams of becoming a filmmaker because it is just another failure in my life. Really? I could have gotten an Engineering degree or a Computer Science degree and be living it up right now… but I studied FILM! However, Mr. Erwin didn’t for a moment look down on me for my choice of education. He was jubilant about my passion for the industry. And he went on and on about his two sons. How they were both filmmakers. Worked on music videos. Nominated for Dove awards. And are working on their first feature film. I was shocked and energized by this notion of someone seeing my dream, as that–a dream. Not a convoluted notion of something completely ridiculous to find success in. I was inspired. Felt guilty inside, for hiding who I am. Hiding behind what I deemed as failure and declaring my life dead and worthless. I could have talked with him for hours, I’m sure. But nevertheless, the rest of the room was waiting to have their moment with this powerful man. He left me with these words that continue to haunt me to this day, “Melissa, never give up on your dreams.”
It’s amazing to me how some people can come in and out of your life, saying few words but leaving such an incredible impression. That conversation is one of those moments in my life I will never forget.
Fast forward. (Yeah, nothing of great value ensued in this time. Didn’t try networking with the Erwin brothers; even though I found their Facebook pages and contemplating many times jotting a message to them, and pursuing them as friends… at least in the social media world. But, I’m a stubborn breed. Refusing to take assistance from others, and more importantly refusing to get ahead by who I know. Even though research revealed that the Erwin brothers also directed the most recent music videos of my FAVORITE BAND. How awesome is that?!?) Present day. My sister is going on and on about this abortion movie they are talking about on the radio. “I really want to go see it,” she tells me. I shrug it off. Phffft! Who wants to watch a movie with a political agenda. Definitely not MY cup of tea. “It’s a Christian movie,” she clarifies. Oh, Lord. That’s even worse. Imagine a Hallmark movie on steroids. It is sure to tug on your heart strings and demand you to not only suddenly feel abortion is the worst sin in the world; but that you need to go out and preach it to everyone! And I’m going to have to sit and watch cheesy actors overact a preachy message, which probably follows a scattered storyline with a pigeonholed plotline. (I like alliteration. Get over it.) “But the way they talked about it on the radio… I really want to see it,” she insists. So, I take a moment to research it. I’m pretty sure I was searching for an excuse NOT to go see this inevitable disaster of a movie, but instead I found a reason to go and see the movie. October Baby. The first feature length film written, directed, and produced by Jon and Andrew Erwin. Hey… That’s… Their movie. Local filmmakers, who filmed a local movie. Now I HAVE to see it!
Now, forget the abortion thing. It’s a coming of age film, which is entertaining with the precise balance of drama to comedy… This might be good. Oh, but the “Christian” stigma. Have you seen Fireproof?! Ugh. No. No. No. But these brothers… the Skillet music videos are awesome! My mind argued against itself. But at the end of the day. I have a heart for film. And I am going to support the local filmmakers. So, I went to the movie on that premise: knowing that the more people go to see the sneak preview release, the bigger the opportunity when they release it nationwide. I tried to hope for the best, but was prepared for the worst. (Which is kind of the same for all movies these days. Most Hollywood films aren’t worth the price of admission… definitely not worth buying a $10 bucket of popcorn.)
I ended up watching the movie alone. My sister was always working or out with her boyfriend. But she had made me curious, and I was going to see it before I missed the opportunity. Actually, I’m kind of glad that I did go alone. I had no idea how much the movie would affect me. (Yes, if you are an emotional being like me, you are going to need a box of Kleenex to make it through this film.)
October Baby is far from being a movie about abortion. It is a movie about forgiveness. The storyline of Hannah’s journey to overcoming the overdue truth revealed by her parents may not directly affect every member of the audience; but the message does. We all face struggles in our lives. The biggest of these is finding ourselves, being confident in who we are; and forgiving the people who hurt us along the way. Many times we don’t see how symbiotic those two components are. But the truth is that we can never truly be ourselves until we forgive those who have trespassed against us. That bitterness of unforgiveness takes root in our hearts and breeds resentment and hatred for others and ourselves. Before long, we feel worthless and lash out at everyone who cares for us, unable to build relationships, unable to strive for our dreams; and we don’t even know why! We search without finding. We feel like everything that happens to us is the end of the world. We don’t feel we have a purpose in this world. And it all started because someone who was hurting, unbeknownst to them, hurt us. Our world is caught in a vicious cycle of people hurting people hurting people. No one wants to step up and be the first one to say, “I don’t want to feel this anymore. I realize that you didn’t intend to hurt me this way, and even if you did, I’m forgiving you. Because I want to move on. I want to have faith that you can have relationships with people who don’t hurt you.”
This film hit me like a sack of bricks to the head. Abortion–that’s Hannah’s story. My story is different. Yet, everything that Hannah is feeling, I feel. Her wounds are highlighting my wounds. And her courage to stand up and be the “bigger person,” forgiving everyone who wronged her, cast a weight of guilt on my heart that I have been so stubborn and blind to have the strength to stand up and do the same to change my own life. Talk about making an impact.
I believe that film is a medium that speaks to people, because it speaks to me. My life is affected by things portrayed on the big screen. Not in the I-just-saw-a-war-movie-and-feel-the-urge-to-go-kill-people kind of way; but in the thoughts-presented-in-the-story-changed-my-way-of-thinking kind of way. We conform to our environment. It is why we have to be careful about what we say, choosey about who we keep company with, and confident in our purpose.
Since I was a child, I had dreams to change the world. I’ve been through many phases of how I was going to do that (from super hero to super model), but I always wanted to leave a lasting impression on the world. To be able to say, “I touched other people’s lives.” I don’t know where I found the confidence to think I was so important. While I was talented and involved in everything–honor student, community service volunteer, musician, actor, artist, Future Business Leader of America, dancer, costume designer, puppeteer, “IT guy,” sports guru, leader, etc.–I was wounded in a way I could never forget, and yet I tried to repress it. My parents got divorced when I was a child and in the wake of the destruction of their relationship I was emotionally abused and utterly lost faith in people. I lived my life trying to please everyone around me. Trying to be perfect in everything I did. Trying to vindicate my life by working without rest until I forced success on my life. And I never let anyone in my personal bubble because I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, abandonment, and abuse. Here I was, the girl with everything–talent, intelligence, beauty–and yet I felt no self-worth. I smile with my straight A’s as my teacher chooses to read my essay aloud to the class, as I am chosen to sing the biggest solo in the choir performance; but inside my mind was plagued with thoughts of suicide. Why?!? I have everything I need! I am perfect. I am who everyone wants to be. But it creeps in. You don’t even notice as your world becomes dark. You’re trying to repress the pain, but its swallowing you whole. And it is nothing you did wrong. It is all because of something someone else did. And even worse, something done to you, you don’t even know or remember. It is so much harder to forgive someone when you don’t even know that you need to forgive them.
I feel for Hannah because I was in the same boat. Different issues, but same obstacles nonetheless. My parents didn’t tell me everything that happened, didn’t relay everything that was important for me to know because they were trying to cover their sins, their mistakes, and their parents mistakes. But none of us can be free until we hear the truth! We can’t forgive unless there is something to forgive. But when we do come to the realization that everything in our lives wasn’t perfect. We have to set down the burden that is weighing on our hearts and take a leap of faith to offer up that forgiveness. To be the bigger person. To start a new cycle. A cycle of forgiveness.
That emotional connection is the greatest thing that can come out of a film in my opinion; but not the only great thing to come out of this film. It’s funny how the little moments in life add up to something great, sometimes. When my parents got divorced and all the family’s possessions were divided up, my mother somehow scored the family video camera my grandfather bought us. My father recorded family videos of every occasion. My mother, on the other hand, has a hard time turning on anything with a power button. Me? I could program the VCR before I could walk. And I loved that video camera! Granted I could only carry it for a few moments, and had to build “tripods” to set it up for long periods of time. Film has always been my favorite medium to tell stories. I do draw, paint, design clothes, play guitar, sing, design and write; but taking everything I do and putting it together… creates an unmatched feeling of success. I wrote scripts, drew storyboards, got all the neighborhood kids to act, designed sets and costumes, etc. It was my world to escape from the one I was in. And my way to express myself. Tell my story. I would later go to film school. And build my own PC designed specifically for video editing.
October Baby made me reflect on my life. And inspired me to follow my own dreams. To me, filmmaking was always a hobby. And an incredible waste of my college education to “study” it. But it is a passion I cannot get rid of. But I don’t want to struggle to make lame independent films no one sees. And I don’t want to go to Hollywood to sell my soul to please someone else. I never saw an outlet for my passion. But the Erwin brothers found it. And I’m inspired to follow in their footsteps. To be a part of something like October Baby.
The cinematography is gorgeous in this film. It’s not a home video shot by amateurs. Some of the shots took my breath away. Alabama has never looked so good. The acting was phenomenal. Every one of the actors seemed to embrace their role and live it; it wasn’t a cheesy production made with whoever close happened to make it to the shoot. The script was well thought out. Words chosen to make an impact without straying or rambling about unnecessary elements. The difficult to achieve balance between drama and comedy was spot on. This movie had me balling my eyes out, and yet left goofy one-liners in my mind I’ll be repeating forever. It was nothing I thought it would be. But, everything I could have hoped for. A message with the potential to touch and change lives; but without being “preachy” or “hokie”. It finished and I wanted to watch it again. And the most touching thing for me to see was watching the credits as more than half of the audience still glued to their chairs watched the names of those people involved in the creation of this film roll across the big screen. I love that. If my name was on that list, I’d want everyone to see it, too. And it’s touching to see an audience that cares about who and what went into the production of a film. I probably sound like I’m gushing. But I was completely caught off guard at how much I enjoyed this film. A diamond in the ruff of the film industry today. I hope that when the movie is released widespread in March 2012 that people go out to see a great movie. Forget the hype about it being “anti-abortion,” forget the idea that it’s a “Christian” film so it must be “preachy” and horribly acted. It’s a great movie. One worth the inflated theatre pricing.
Every life is beautiful; sometimes we need to hear the story of others to be assured of the beauty of our own. My challenge to you, is go watch the film and note that beauty. Find the courage to ask yourself, “Who am I?” Be honest with yourself. You are not your circumstances. It is what you do that defines who you are. Not your title or your career, but what you DO.
Who am I? I’m a writer. I am a daughter of God. I am chosen. I am an artist. I am a creative dreamer. I am a story teller. I am my talents. I am my future. I am Mel Sigrist; and I am a filmmaker.
Note: This is an archive post originally from my Faith & Filmmaking blog.