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Man of Sacrifice

Man of Sacrifice

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The other day my husband turned to me and asked, “How is it that every day you get more and more beautiful?” I smiled and replied, “Because I love you so much.”

Awwww. So sweet right? My husband is the best. And I am proud of my comparison to Sarah. That’s me so devoted to my husband and God, that I am blessed with great beauty… a princess.

The next morning I awoke, shaking away a strange dream. My husband and I were on a train, and I was sitting beside him, but pretending to sleep while he chatted with another passenger (my husband is the kind of man who has never known a stranger and seems to have a life goal to talk to every person on earth.) At some point the passenger points to me and makes a comment about my beauty and my husband tells him that I’m his sister.

Weird. I think God is trying to tell me something…  I reflect on the book I’m currently reading “This Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage” by Greg and Erin Smalley, and how at the last group meeting when we were discussing our husbands’ spiritual leadership one of the leaders asked everyone to describe their husband’s character with one word. I chose the word “sacrifice.” It was the first thing that came to mind, as my husband will constantly sacrifice himself, his dreams, his desires, for me, for his children. But after I said it aloud, I internally kicked myself because there were like a hundred “better” words I could have chosen. Or were there?

I know many of you are probably smarter than me and get things right away, but I can be kind of stubborn, so sometimes I have to be told things a hundred times before I listen…

My husband and I are in a spiritual struggle right now, fighting for our family and our children. I tend to get pretty heated over the entire thing, because of my past. Great fear enters my mind for my husband’s children because I constantly picture them going through the struggles that I had while I was living with the consequences of my parents divorce. The thoughts, the actions, the words, the tears–all of it floods my memory. And I ache for their broken hearts. I know I’m not their biological mother, but I want so bad to save them from pain, to take on their pain so they don’t have to feel it. I love them with a love I never thought possible, even though they don’t even know me! And I want to save them from going through the same destructive years I lived in depression, fear, bitterness, and hatred. I want them to know nothing but love and happiness.

We got some bad news concerning the struggle and I was devastated. I tried to hide my tears from my husband. I tried to logically find a way to change our circumstances. But then I just broke down and cried out to God, demanding to know why everything keeps going wrong. Where are your promises?! Where is our victory?!

God replied by pointing out several things to me:

1.) Do YOUR Job.

It seems like I’m forever having this conversation with God:

“Stop trying to do MY job. You’re terrible at it.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“Your Job.”

“Which is what?”

“Wait.”

Sigh. “But I want to DO something!”

“Well, wait for me to finish doing my job and then I’ll tell you what needs to be done next.”

“OK.”

And then I start trying to meddle again because I don’t feel like anything is being done, and it starts all over again.

2.) Remember Your Story

I am often prompted with the question “How did your story end? You’ll have to hear my entire Salvation story another time, but the short version is that I’m alive today because someone interceded for me.  Anytime I question the power of prayer, God seems to bring that up… me being living proof and all.

3.) You’re not as spiritual as you think you are.

I often get a little high horsey, when it comes to the subject. I got saved when I was 8, and had an undeniable salvation story when I was 15. I’ve spent most of my life studying scripture, and have lived a relatively “spotless” life. Sometimes, it seems to intimidate my husband. He heralds me as the “prayer warrior” and lets me do all the praying, talking, leading Bible Study groups, and giving advice. So, I can tend to get so caught up in myself, I forget that my husband is the leader. I mean, looking at my resume, aren’t I the more “qualified” candidate? Um. No. Actually not. My husband has much greater faith than I do. Like Abraham. Abraham, the “Father of Faith.”

4.) You can’t steal HIS story.

I never really thought of it that way… but the logic is solid. It’s like trying to parent your kids by putting them in a plastic bubble. You can’t keep them from every bad thing. Even if you did, they wouldn’t be able to live a fulfilled life. My story comes from my deepest, darkest moments. Those are the moments when God shines through. You can try to keep your children from every type of harm; but doing so will also keep them from their purpose, their destiny. Because God turns pain into purpose. We are driven by our experiences. Without the moments that cause us to call out for God, we live like we have no need of Him. I can’t steal my husband’s story, or my children’s stories; I can only live out my own and allow God to write theirs.

 

So, to sum it up, after three consecutive messages I received it: God thinks my husband is strong like Abraham. I should too. I see the evidence every day. One of the greatest stories of Abraham is his willingness to sacrifice Issac for the Lord. One day my husband’s legacy will be similar–having to be willing to lose his son in order to save him.

It’s important to note that God never expected Abraham to actually sacrifice his son, God was interested in Abraham’s heart. God judges us by our heart, not our actions. God is interested in the why not the what. So, if you’re going to be like Sarah, be the Sarah who grew more beautiful everyday for respecting her husband. Don’t be the Sarah who freaked out when Abraham left to make a sacrifice with her only son, likely traumatizing herself with her thoughts–that ended up being totally off the mark. Trust your God. And trust your husband. Your husband is well-intentioned and acting on his heart. Chances are your husband is scared to death of what he is doing, he just has more faith than you in the final outcome.

Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband

Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband

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Men and women are different. And Different is Good.

One of the main differences between men and women is sex. There is nothing wrong with our differences. We just need to learn to understand and appreciate them. Our current culture is trying to equalize our differences. I strongly believe that is a dangerous approach, our differences is what makes our marriage work.

The first time I was introduced to the idea of sex as a ministry was reading Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Wife.” How could someone put those two words together? Sex is probably the most taboo subject in the church! Of course the mishandling of the topic of sex in church warrants a blog of it’s own, but the takeaway here is that at that time I didn’t understand because (1) I wasn’t yet married and (2) I was poorly informed. I’ve learned a lot about sex in the short amount of time that I have been married. And I just want to pass it along. Don’t be the cable Mel, be the DirecTV Mel…

Men and women approach sex differently. I imagine if you did a survey asking “If sex were a food, what food would it be?” the most common answer among males would be something along the lines of “Steak and Potatoes” while females would respond with a dessert like “Chocolate Cake.”

The logic behind the female choice of Chocolate Cake is that it is all about the build up. You don’t each chocolate cake everyday. You long for it. It matters how it looks, tastes, how it’s prepared and who prepares it. You don’t really ever need it, but you desire it when all the right circumstances line up. It’s a reward once all your work is finished, the prize at the end of a race. It is viewed as expendable, when finances (or your clothes) are tight it is the first thing you cut out.

Meanwhile the male choice of Steak and Potatoes is an opposite approach. Both choices are high value and desirable; but the man is more focused on survival than reward. You can’t live without eating meals. It’s a means to an end. You don’t have sufficient fuel to engage or work without it. It can be savored, delicious, and desired–or not, either way you need substance to survive. If you don’t get your fill you become irritable and malnourished, unable to focus on or assist with any task.

I don’t know about you, but when I get frustrated I can’t eat. Don’t want to. Too much to do. Don’t need food for fuel because i am fueled by my emotions. Don’t get in my way. And the last thing I want is chocolate cake. Suddenly weight gain, self consciousness, misuse of finances, and frivolousness are the only associations made with a delectable treat in any other context.

When my husband has a bad day, I take it personally. I’m ready to fight for the man I love. Who do I need to chew out? File a complaint against? Bake Ex-Lax brownies for? Whatever or whoever it is–I’m ready to fix it (or at least rant about it for hours)! We’ll have chocolate cake later, let me fix this first.

My husband is different. He doesn’t dive face first into his problems. He wants to step back and eat a hearty meal first. Before talking about, resolving, or even thinking about the issue. He is not fueled by emotions, he is drained by them. Reeling over the issue doesn’t help him clear the air, it just causes him additional pain while he slips lower into depression.

At some point in our lives we all have that epiphany moment where we realize that people around us just don’t think the same way we do. They don’t see things the same way we do. They don’t react the same way we do. It is absolutely necessary to learn this and remember this in your marriage. Your husband views the world differently. And that is a good thing.

Here is where the ministry comes into play. Being a wife means setting aside the single life you lived to join a team. Your life no longer revolves around “me,” it revolves around “us.” When problems arise you may have to learn a new approach, because you’re not in a kayak anymore you’ve moved to a canoe–with another person holding a paddle–and it doesn’t function the same way. You have to learn the idiosyncrasies of one another. And sometimes you have to pick up the slack or change your direction so you don’t flip the boat and both end up fighting for your lives.

So here are the basics: Men need sex as a release. Women don’t want sex unless they’re in the right mood. There will be times when someone in the marriage has to make an adjustment.

My advice to you ladies is to use sex as part of your ministry. Support your husband when he needs it the most. When your husband has a bad day, put down your pitchfork and put your arms around him. Your husband is already feeling defeated and depleted. You trying to fight his battles makes him feel even less of a man. And no amount of you sounding off your opinion about the situation or offering up suggestion of what he should do is going to help. He’s already being attacked, don’t fuel the fire. Hold him. Make love to him. Allow him to release. Sex gets his mind right, focused, and motivated to fight. It boosts his testosterone levels. It makes him feel closer to you and it puts him in the right place to get closer to God.

And you might just be surprised at how your husband changes his tune the next time you’re not having the best day…