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Automobile Insight: Unmet Expectations

Automobile Insight: Unmet Expectations

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Monday morning I was going through my normal routine, I got in my car to go to work and turned the key…

I’m a person of high expectations, and my expectations for my car is that it runs–every time I turn that key. I spent the time and money laying the groundwork to meet that expectation. I bought a brand new car, a reliable brand and model. I am adamant about taking care of it. I have done everything I can to maintain the expectation I have. It is the most expensive thing I’ve ever purchased (and by myself). I’ve had it for over 10 years. I’ve kept up with the maintenance, and have never had an unexpected repairs. I’ve done everything imaginable to keep that car in a condition where I can always count on it to start and take me where I need to go. Every time.

Monday apparently missed that memo. I turned the key and… nothing. Nothing happened. Well, all the dash lights lit up like a Christmas tree, but there was no sound–not even an inkling that the engine was even trying to start.

I am just going to be honest here, I don’t handle unmet expectations well. I am a detail-oriented and very strategic person who plans and prepares so things will go as expected. No surprises. That is what I like. That is what I expect. So, the car not starting thing didn’t go over well. Especially on a day my husband had gone out of town with a friend to go kayaking and I was breaking out in a poison ivy rash I just hadn’t noticed yet… needless to say, by the end of the day I felt I was living out a storybook. Mel and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

The car situation pales in comparison to the other unmet expectations in my life. But serves as a perfect metaphor. Your car won’t start and everyone around you has an answer or judgement. You become frustrated and defensive– “No, I didn’t leave a light on and drain the battery. No, I didn’t forget to fill the gas tank. Seriously, stop looking at me like that. I did everything right. This should not have happened.”

Our expectations say it shouldn’t happen. But it did.

Same thing happened with my career. I went to school and worked my butt off. I was an honor student who studied non-stop, graduated in the top 20 students of my high school class, was offered multiple college scholarships, went to college and continued my dedication to education over socialization, duel majored in growing and competitive industries (Communication and Technology), graduated with honors and a passion to use everything I learned to make an impact in the next place I landed. Well, where I expected to land: a career in the field I spent my whole life preparing for. But when I turned the key, that car didn’t start either. It’s been over a decade since I graduated and I still don’t have a job in “my field.”

My expectations were that if I followed the plan and worked hard I would get the job I wanted. I followed the plan. It just didn’t work the way I thought it would. So far none of the redirections along the way have fixed it either. It just is. I have to live everyday knowing my life just isn’t what I expected and no plan is impervious to unforeseen circumstances. Most of our expectations are unwritten and unspoken. I never really thought about my expectation of my car starting every time I turned the key, but it came barreling to the forefront of my mind the moment it wasn’t met.

My car not starting is sad, wasting my potential in a job where I feel underutilized is depressing, but not being able to diagnose and fix the brokeness in my family is life shattering.

When I married my husband I knew things wouldn’t be easy forever bonding myself to a family shattered by divorce. However, I still had expectations that things would be better than they are. I guess I thought I was immune to surprises, having come from a broken home myself. That I had the answer key, and a map to all the landmines so we could cross the desert without igniting any fatal explosions. But, sometimes I turn that key and the car doesn’t start.

For the three years we have been married, I have daily walked past the bedroom we set up for our stepchildren–a room that they have never used. It breaks my heart to see it empty, I can only imagine how much more it hurts my husband. I long for something I have never had, but he longs for something he lost–the children he created and raised. He recalls fabulous memories of camping and fishing with his kids and remembers a better time; while I have only dreams of my imagination of what I wish for things to be like. We both have our own unspoken expectations. If we allow those expectations to go unchecked and sideswipe us when they go unmet, it can destroy us, our marriage, and our family.

Take a lesson from me and my car: be cognizant of your expectations of things and people. Don’t allow yourself to drift into despair when things don’t go as you expect. We have terrible seats for analyzing our entire lives, our perspective is incredibly distorted being right in the middle of it. I don’t know why my car wouldn’t start Monday, or why we still can’t figure out what is wrong with it, but someone else does. Maybe I just needed to learn this lesson. Maybe I needed more patience. Maybe if my car had started Monday morning, I would have died in a fiery car crash on my way to work. Afterall, while my job seems like a huge mistake that took me down the wrong/unexpected path–if I hadn’t struggled after college I wouldn’t have moved, if I hadn’t moved I wouldn’t have gotten the job I have now, if I hadn’t gotten the job I have now I wouldn’t have met and married my husband, and if I hadn’t married my husband I wouldn’t have started this blog. So who’s to say things aren’t meeting expectations? Just not mine.

So, if you put your key in the ignition and your expectations aren’t met the moment you turn it to the “start” position, try not to be upset. Re-evaluate your expectations. And praise God for knowing what you need every moment of every day. He is not worried about my car never starting again, or my job never bringing me fulfillment, or my family being broken forever, no, God has a much better perspective of the big picture. He is aware of all the work my husband and I have put into building a foundational marriage to break the cycle of divorce for our children, and all the preparations we have made in our home and our hearts for the day our children come home. Maybe I’ve seen the film Field of Dreams one too many times, but I truly believe our work will pay off and my family will be reunited. God sees all of your hard work, too. He is using our struggles to teach us, because our God isn’t a God of meeting expectations, He really prefers to exceed them.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  James 1:2-8 NKJV

Man of Sacrifice

Man of Sacrifice

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The other day my husband turned to me and asked, “How is it that every day you get more and more beautiful?” I smiled and replied, “Because I love you so much.”

Awwww. So sweet right? My husband is the best. And I am proud of my comparison to Sarah. That’s me so devoted to my husband and God, that I am blessed with great beauty… a princess.

The next morning I awoke, shaking away a strange dream. My husband and I were on a train, and I was sitting beside him, but pretending to sleep while he chatted with another passenger (my husband is the kind of man who has never known a stranger and seems to have a life goal to talk to every person on earth.) At some point the passenger points to me and makes a comment about my beauty and my husband tells him that I’m his sister.

Weird. I think God is trying to tell me something…  I reflect on the book I’m currently reading “This Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage” by Greg and Erin Smalley, and how at the last group meeting when we were discussing our husbands’ spiritual leadership one of the leaders asked everyone to describe their husband’s character with one word. I chose the word “sacrifice.” It was the first thing that came to mind, as my husband will constantly sacrifice himself, his dreams, his desires, for me, for his children. But after I said it aloud, I internally kicked myself because there were like a hundred “better” words I could have chosen. Or were there?

I know many of you are probably smarter than me and get things right away, but I can be kind of stubborn, so sometimes I have to be told things a hundred times before I listen…

My husband and I are in a spiritual struggle right now, fighting for our family and our children. I tend to get pretty heated over the entire thing, because of my past. Great fear enters my mind for my husband’s children because I constantly picture them going through the struggles that I had while I was living with the consequences of my parents divorce. The thoughts, the actions, the words, the tears–all of it floods my memory. And I ache for their broken hearts. I know I’m not their biological mother, but I want so bad to save them from pain, to take on their pain so they don’t have to feel it. I love them with a love I never thought possible, even though they don’t even know me! And I want to save them from going through the same destructive years I lived in depression, fear, bitterness, and hatred. I want them to know nothing but love and happiness.

We got some bad news concerning the struggle and I was devastated. I tried to hide my tears from my husband. I tried to logically find a way to change our circumstances. But then I just broke down and cried out to God, demanding to know why everything keeps going wrong. Where are your promises?! Where is our victory?!

God replied by pointing out several things to me:

1.) Do YOUR Job.

It seems like I’m forever having this conversation with God:

“Stop trying to do MY job. You’re terrible at it.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“Your Job.”

“Which is what?”

“Wait.”

Sigh. “But I want to DO something!”

“Well, wait for me to finish doing my job and then I’ll tell you what needs to be done next.”

“OK.”

And then I start trying to meddle again because I don’t feel like anything is being done, and it starts all over again.

2.) Remember Your Story

I am often prompted with the question “How did your story end? You’ll have to hear my entire Salvation story another time, but the short version is that I’m alive today because someone interceded for me.  Anytime I question the power of prayer, God seems to bring that up… me being living proof and all.

3.) You’re not as spiritual as you think you are.

I often get a little high horsey, when it comes to the subject. I got saved when I was 8, and had an undeniable salvation story when I was 15. I’ve spent most of my life studying scripture, and have lived a relatively “spotless” life. Sometimes, it seems to intimidate my husband. He heralds me as the “prayer warrior” and lets me do all the praying, talking, leading Bible Study groups, and giving advice. So, I can tend to get so caught up in myself, I forget that my husband is the leader. I mean, looking at my resume, aren’t I the more “qualified” candidate? Um. No. Actually not. My husband has much greater faith than I do. Like Abraham. Abraham, the “Father of Faith.”

4.) You can’t steal HIS story.

I never really thought of it that way… but the logic is solid. It’s like trying to parent your kids by putting them in a plastic bubble. You can’t keep them from every bad thing. Even if you did, they wouldn’t be able to live a fulfilled life. My story comes from my deepest, darkest moments. Those are the moments when God shines through. You can try to keep your children from every type of harm; but doing so will also keep them from their purpose, their destiny. Because God turns pain into purpose. We are driven by our experiences. Without the moments that cause us to call out for God, we live like we have no need of Him. I can’t steal my husband’s story, or my children’s stories; I can only live out my own and allow God to write theirs.

 

So, to sum it up, after three consecutive messages I received it: God thinks my husband is strong like Abraham. I should too. I see the evidence every day. One of the greatest stories of Abraham is his willingness to sacrifice Issac for the Lord. One day my husband’s legacy will be similar–having to be willing to lose his son in order to save him.

It’s important to note that God never expected Abraham to actually sacrifice his son, God was interested in Abraham’s heart. God judges us by our heart, not our actions. God is interested in the why not the what. So, if you’re going to be like Sarah, be the Sarah who grew more beautiful everyday for respecting her husband. Don’t be the Sarah who freaked out when Abraham left to make a sacrifice with her only son, likely traumatizing herself with her thoughts–that ended up being totally off the mark. Trust your God. And trust your husband. Your husband is well-intentioned and acting on his heart. Chances are your husband is scared to death of what he is doing, he just has more faith than you in the final outcome.

Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband

Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband

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Men and women are different. And Different is Good.

One of the main differences between men and women is sex. There is nothing wrong with our differences. We just need to learn to understand and appreciate them. Our current culture is trying to equalize our differences. I strongly believe that is a dangerous approach, our differences is what makes our marriage work.

The first time I was introduced to the idea of sex as a ministry was reading Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Wife.” How could someone put those two words together? Sex is probably the most taboo subject in the church! Of course the mishandling of the topic of sex in church warrants a blog of it’s own, but the takeaway here is that at that time I didn’t understand because (1) I wasn’t yet married and (2) I was poorly informed. I’ve learned a lot about sex in the short amount of time that I have been married. And I just want to pass it along. Don’t be the cable Mel, be the DirecTV Mel…

Men and women approach sex differently. I imagine if you did a survey asking “If sex were a food, what food would it be?” the most common answer among males would be something along the lines of “Steak and Potatoes” while females would respond with a dessert like “Chocolate Cake.”

The logic behind the female choice of Chocolate Cake is that it is all about the build up. You don’t each chocolate cake everyday. You long for it. It matters how it looks, tastes, how it’s prepared and who prepares it. You don’t really ever need it, but you desire it when all the right circumstances line up. It’s a reward once all your work is finished, the prize at the end of a race. It is viewed as expendable, when finances (or your clothes) are tight it is the first thing you cut out.

Meanwhile the male choice of Steak and Potatoes is an opposite approach. Both choices are high value and desirable; but the man is more focused on survival than reward. You can’t live without eating meals. It’s a means to an end. You don’t have sufficient fuel to engage or work without it. It can be savored, delicious, and desired–or not, either way you need substance to survive. If you don’t get your fill you become irritable and malnourished, unable to focus on or assist with any task.

I don’t know about you, but when I get frustrated I can’t eat. Don’t want to. Too much to do. Don’t need food for fuel because i am fueled by my emotions. Don’t get in my way. And the last thing I want is chocolate cake. Suddenly weight gain, self consciousness, misuse of finances, and frivolousness are the only associations made with a delectable treat in any other context.

When my husband has a bad day, I take it personally. I’m ready to fight for the man I love. Who do I need to chew out? File a complaint against? Bake Ex-Lax brownies for? Whatever or whoever it is–I’m ready to fix it (or at least rant about it for hours)! We’ll have chocolate cake later, let me fix this first.

My husband is different. He doesn’t dive face first into his problems. He wants to step back and eat a hearty meal first. Before talking about, resolving, or even thinking about the issue. He is not fueled by emotions, he is drained by them. Reeling over the issue doesn’t help him clear the air, it just causes him additional pain while he slips lower into depression.

At some point in our lives we all have that epiphany moment where we realize that people around us just don’t think the same way we do. They don’t see things the same way we do. They don’t react the same way we do. It is absolutely necessary to learn this and remember this in your marriage. Your husband views the world differently. And that is a good thing.

Here is where the ministry comes into play. Being a wife means setting aside the single life you lived to join a team. Your life no longer revolves around “me,” it revolves around “us.” When problems arise you may have to learn a new approach, because you’re not in a kayak anymore you’ve moved to a canoe–with another person holding a paddle–and it doesn’t function the same way. You have to learn the idiosyncrasies of one another. And sometimes you have to pick up the slack or change your direction so you don’t flip the boat and both end up fighting for your lives.

So here are the basics: Men need sex as a release. Women don’t want sex unless they’re in the right mood. There will be times when someone in the marriage has to make an adjustment.

My advice to you ladies is to use sex as part of your ministry. Support your husband when he needs it the most. When your husband has a bad day, put down your pitchfork and put your arms around him. Your husband is already feeling defeated and depleted. You trying to fight his battles makes him feel even less of a man. And no amount of you sounding off your opinion about the situation or offering up suggestion of what he should do is going to help. He’s already being attacked, don’t fuel the fire. Hold him. Make love to him. Allow him to release. Sex gets his mind right, focused, and motivated to fight. It boosts his testosterone levels. It makes him feel closer to you and it puts him in the right place to get closer to God.

And you might just be surprised at how your husband changes his tune the next time you’re not having the best day…

Three Things I Wish My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

Three Things I Wish My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

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One of the most devastating things about growing up as a child of divorce is missing out on witnessing a healthy marriage. I cannot stress enough to parents that a healthy marriage is the best gift you can ever give your child. For those of you with children in a secondary relationship (following divorce, death, adoption, etc.), no pressure, but your relationship becomes exponentially more important and more intimately scrutinized. Actions speak louder than words.

That being said, here are the major three things I wish my parents had taught me about marriage:

1.) Marriage is a Choice

There are actually two parts to this item. First there is a choice to marry. Believe it or not, not everyone has to get married. It is a choice. Our society places a lot of emphasis on marriage, constantly pressuring single people with a guilt that they are less valued–ironic, since there is so little respect for the sanctity of marriage. Even the church often neglects the single, widowed, and divorced, while elevating married as the desired status; which is probably why the apostle Paul spent so much time speaking on the subject (1 Corinthians 7). I don’t know all the specifics of his life, but scholars believe that Paul was married and widowed sometime before writing the letters to Corinthians. I’m just guessing, but I think he must have gotten a lot of flack from others in the church about not remarrying. (Maybe his driving point that being married “is good, but being single is better,” was provoked by church members taunting single people with the notion that they may be bestowed with the unwanted “gift” of celibacy.) We should not place unnecessary pressure on anyone. Everyone has to make their own choice as to whether or not they want to marry (or remarry) and there are pros and cons for each path.

Secondly, if you do choose to marry, you must choose to whom you will marry. This choice is often labeled as “the most important decision of one’s life,” and is the focus of countless books, movies, and other media that shapes societal opinion. Unfortunately, our society has created a misnomer in the idea of “the one” and an epic journey to find the only perfect match. I plan to discuss this further in a future blog, but to keep this pithy I am going to just summarize that marriage is not about finding the perfect mate. A healthy marriage begins with finding yourself and then actively choosing to make a commitment to another person.

2.) Marriage is a Commitment

Recently, Pope Francis made a stir in the media for suggesting that most marriages today are invalid because couples do not understand the magnitude of the commitment required. I’m sure some people were offended at the notion, but you have to admit that he has a point. Whether or not a marriage is or isn’t “valid” (whatever that means), our society does not view or teach marriage as a lifelong commitment. In our culture–especially in the United States–marriage is disposable. Assumption usually is that your marriage isn’t going to last long, “so enjoy the ride and get a pre-nup!” We condemn ourselves to failure before ever leaving the gate. Just like in a team sport scenario, the team dynamic is poisoned by a lack of loyalty.

We have to bring marriage back to it’s purpose. A covenant. A lifelong commitment to an imperfect human being, whom we are choosing to stand behind through hell or high water. Presumably everyone can recite the typical marriage vows, “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…” but does anyone truly understand the depth of that commitment? And what are you teaching your children?

3.) Marriage is a Challenge

The culmination of the previous two points is this–marriage is a challenge. Marriage takes effort, time, and ongoing, non-stop hard work. The challenge begins with the choice and making the commitment and then carries on throughout every moment for what should be forever. Marriage is not easy. Paul was trying to convey that point to the people of Corinth many moons ago, and I plead with you today to see the gravity of the situation. You have to fight for your marriage. Every day. For the rest of your life.

There is nothing you can do to completely escape struggle in your marriage. You will endure hard times. Choosing the perfect person doesn’t catapult you to a magical land where you never disagree. Your spouse’s history, age, race, religion, career, family lineage, personality, baggage, or [enter whatever other quality you believe may make or break a marriage here] will not change the fact that marriage is hard. The only thing that changes is how you will react to the situation. Are you committed to your choice? Or will you walk away at the first sign of trouble and blame away your own responsibility?

In summary, Marriage is choosing a person and committing to facing every challenge in life with them hand-in-hand, together forever. And there is no shame in choosing not to take that road.

Marriage After Divorce

Marriage After Divorce

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I’m sure there will always be naysayers telling me how I don’t really understand divorce because I myself have never been divorced. I do understand divorce. And my entire life has been influenced and affected by divorce–my parents divorce. Getting divorced and being a child divorce are two different things. On top of that difference, each individual is affected differently by the circumstances of divorce. However, I submit to you that the underlying spirit that affects everyone in divorce is betrayal. When two people come together in marriage they make a commitment to retain that union forever. Divorce is a betrayal.

Betrayal – the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations, or between individuals and organizations. (Wikipedia)

People who get divorced usually feel betrayed. Most often they see that betrayal as adultery or another act but the divorce itself is also a betrayal. Betrayal by both parties. Your partner may have betrayed you when they committed adultery, but you also betrayed them when you walked away instead of getting to the root of the problem and working to resolve your differences – as you vowed to do “for better or for worse.”

What people don’t see is how divorce is a betrayal to their children. When we have children we don’t have elaborate ceremonies and make public vows to them promising to support them, providing for their physical and emotional needs. But it is implied. An implied contract. Parents realize their responsibility to their child’s physical needs and outsiders assume that is why divorces get so ugly, arguing over the house, custody, the children’s expenses–after all what decent parent isn’t doing what they feel is best for their child? What most parents (and outsiders) don’t see is the implied promise in the heart and the mind of a child that they will always be one family with the two people who made them. And you might think well I didn’t or couldn’t ever promise that! And that doesn’t really matter. A child inherently feels that way and consequently feels betrayed when that commitment is not kept. Furthermore, the high-conflict divorce situation cuts the betrayal even deeper as angry parents argue over physical needs while ignoring the emotional need of their child to continue fostering healthy relationships with both of their parents.

Another thing to keep in mind is that being betrayed and feeling betrayed are two different things. But are they really? When you feel betrayed does it not still create the moral and psychological stress that actual betrayal does? The problem that arises with children is that they have a more difficult time understanding and communicating their feelings. There is probably enough evidence to prove that divorce–in itself–is emotional abuse to children. Not that I’m saying I’m against divorce. Personally, I find staying in a failed marriage “for the kids” to be even more detrimental and abusive (but that is an entirely different blog). I just think it is very important for parents to be aware of their child’s emotional needs.

My parents divorce rocked the very foundation of my life. It changed my worldview and most specifically my view of people and relationships. Imagine one day your parents telling you that they made you because “Mommy and Daddy love each other very much,” then in the future being told “Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce because they just don’t love each other anymore.” Imagine your view of love? Your view of marriage? Love is forever? Pffft! Marriage is sacred? Ha! Marriage is a commitment? Yeah right! It seems like marriage is more of a social stamp on love. Which is easily erased when you “fall out of” love. Marriage becomes disposable. Thousands of children everyday become hardened against marriage because of its disposable nature. I spent most of my life vowing to myself to never get married and to never have children that would inevitably be abused by this world. It took 20 years and a lot of turmoil for me to forgive my parents and to redefine my view on marriage.

A friend shared of blog listing the ways that children of divorce love differently. The thing that stood out to me the most was feeling “hard to love.”  That is a feeling I have spent most of my life trying to overcome. We expect others to love us as those we have dealt with previously (our parents). We believe that we will inevitably be betrayed, abandoned, etc. because we feel our parents did those things. And if our parents–our very flesh and blood–value us so little that they would treat us so poorly, why would someone who is not related to us (forced to be with us) want to be with us? If my parents don’t love me, how could anyone else ever love me?

I also vowed I would never marry a divorcee. Too much baggage. Too much hurt that I don’t want to relive. Too big of a chance for history to repeat itself. I also felt entitled to something bigger, something better then my childhood. Because of the bad hand I was dealt as a kid and because I’ve never been with anyone else, don’t I deserve something better? All part of the misconception I built in my head about marriage.

I did marry a man from divorce. And it is beautiful. We understand one another’s hurts and hesitations. We pass beyond sympathy to empathy. We know how to build each other up and are aware of what tears one another down. And I think we love harder because of divorce. It is possible to be like the Phoenix and rise from the ashes of divorce to something more beautiful than before. So to those of you divorce or entering the idea of marrying a divorcee let me encourage you today. Divorce is not an end. There is marriage after divorce. And it is possible to have the love we only see in fairy tales and to appreciate it all the more.