Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband
Men and women are different. And Different is Good.
One of the main differences between men and women is sex. There is nothing wrong with our differences. We just need to learn to understand and appreciate them. Our current culture is trying to equalize our differences. I strongly believe that is a dangerous approach, our differences is what makes our marriage work.
The first time I was introduced to the idea of sex as a ministry was reading Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Wife.” How could someone put those two words together? Sex is probably the most taboo subject in the church! Of course the mishandling of the topic of sex in church warrants a blog of it’s own, but the takeaway here is that at that time I didn’t understand because (1) I wasn’t yet married and (2) I was poorly informed. I’ve learned a lot about sex in the short amount of time that I have been married. And I just want to pass it along. Don’t be the cable Mel, be the DirecTV Mel…
Men and women approach sex differently. I imagine if you did a survey asking “If sex were a food, what food would it be?” the most common answer among males would be something along the lines of “Steak and Potatoes” while females would respond with a dessert like “Chocolate Cake.”
The logic behind the female choice of Chocolate Cake is that it is all about the build up. You don’t each chocolate cake everyday. You long for it. It matters how it looks, tastes, how it’s prepared and who prepares it. You don’t really ever need it, but you desire it when all the right circumstances line up. It’s a reward once all your work is finished, the prize at the end of a race. It is viewed as expendable, when finances (or your clothes) are tight it is the first thing you cut out.
Meanwhile the male choice of Steak and Potatoes is an opposite approach. Both choices are high value and desirable; but the man is more focused on survival than reward. You can’t live without eating meals. It’s a means to an end. You don’t have sufficient fuel to engage or work without it. It can be savored, delicious, and desired–or not, either way you need substance to survive. If you don’t get your fill you become irritable and malnourished, unable to focus on or assist with any task.
I don’t know about you, but when I get frustrated I can’t eat. Don’t want to. Too much to do. Don’t need food for fuel because i am fueled by my emotions. Don’t get in my way. And the last thing I want is chocolate cake. Suddenly weight gain, self consciousness, misuse of finances, and frivolousness are the only associations made with a delectable treat in any other context.
When my husband has a bad day, I take it personally. I’m ready to fight for the man I love. Who do I need to chew out? File a complaint against? Bake Ex-Lax brownies for? Whatever or whoever it is–I’m ready to fix it (or at least rant about it for hours)! We’ll have chocolate cake later, let me fix this first.
My husband is different. He doesn’t dive face first into his problems. He wants to step back and eat a hearty meal first. Before talking about, resolving, or even thinking about the issue. He is not fueled by emotions, he is drained by them. Reeling over the issue doesn’t help him clear the air, it just causes him additional pain while he slips lower into depression.
At some point in our lives we all have that epiphany moment where we realize that people around us just don’t think the same way we do. They don’t see things the same way we do. They don’t react the same way we do. It is absolutely necessary to learn this and remember this in your marriage. Your husband views the world differently. And that is a good thing.
Here is where the ministry comes into play. Being a wife means setting aside the single life you lived to join a team. Your life no longer revolves around “me,” it revolves around “us.” When problems arise you may have to learn a new approach, because you’re not in a kayak anymore you’ve moved to a canoe–with another person holding a paddle–and it doesn’t function the same way. You have to learn the idiosyncrasies of one another. And sometimes you have to pick up the slack or change your direction so you don’t flip the boat and both end up fighting for your lives.
So here are the basics: Men need sex as a release. Women don’t want sex unless they’re in the right mood. There will be times when someone in the marriage has to make an adjustment.
My advice to you ladies is to use sex as part of your ministry. Support your husband when he needs it the most. When your husband has a bad day, put down your pitchfork and put your arms around him. Your husband is already feeling defeated and depleted. You trying to fight his battles makes him feel even less of a man. And no amount of you sounding off your opinion about the situation or offering up suggestion of what he should do is going to help. He’s already being attacked, don’t fuel the fire. Hold him. Make love to him. Allow him to release. Sex gets his mind right, focused, and motivated to fight. It boosts his testosterone levels. It makes him feel closer to you and it puts him in the right place to get closer to God.
And you might just be surprised at how your husband changes his tune the next time you’re not having the best day…