What am I Worth?
Five years ago I moved to a new city with a desire to restart my life. Looking back, I had no idea how different my life would become. It’s not really that I have changed into a new person, but more so that I have changed the way I think. The way I think about life, people, God, but most importantly: the way I think about myself.
I am a very involved individual. I’m tentative and cautious when making decisions, because I know that once I a make a decision I become fully invested, moving headstrong and feeling everything. Books, music, and movies are a very real part of my life because I feel everything so deeply. I grew up watching “Reading Rainbow” and fully believe that I can go anywhere or do anything that is in a book. Because I can. I have. I been transported to new worlds, because I feel so deeply. It is a real world with real impact on my real life.
If you had asked me several years ago about my worth, my shoulders would have dropped my eyes would have turned away and I would have searched desperately for something to say all the while wishing I could just disappear. My worth? Nothing. I am worth-less.
I spent a lot of time trying to outwardly convince others that I was special, but it didn’t help me to believe it about myself. There are many things I experienced over the span of five years that made me reevaluate my worth. I don’t have time to talk about them all, so I am going to focus on one. I want to preface this blog with the disclaimer that another person does not and can not define your worth. However, the people in our lives can help us to see our true worth. So, don’t confuse those two things, it is an important differentiation.
Growing up in a divorced home, I adamantly maintained the thought that I would never get married. Ever. Why would I? I have nothing to offer but brokenness, failure, and pain. And sheer pessimism, because marriage never works. I lashed out at a lot of good men who attempted to tell me otherwise, accusing them of trying to sweet talk their way into my pants.
I have since discovered that the truth is that marriage (and relationships in general) does (do) work, but only when the parties involved know their own worth. That means not defining your worth by the relationship itself or the other person.
In February of 2012 I attended a Winter Jam concert. I went to see my favorite band, Skillet. Since it is a $10 at the door event with no assigned seating, I camped out in front of the door for several hours so I could get in early and sit up front. I was alone, so my planned worked like a charm–one empty seat at the end of the second row. There was only one surprise that night, an opening band by the name of For KING & Country. They were only given a short time on stage, but they stole it. Three songs crammed together, with a simple banner hanging behind them; you would think it would be difficult in this scenario to find the impact, but their lyrics and the passion behind their music pierced through my soul. In particular, the song entitled “Busted Heart.” I knew I needed to hear it again, so during one of the breaks I made my way through the crowded concourses in the civic center looking for their merchandise table. At the table I found the duo selling their not-yet-released album for $5, while signing autographs and taking photos with fans. It reminded me of the first time I saw Skillet live, at a youth hall where they walked around talking with everyone after the show. Humble beginnings with the potential for amazing things.
If you don’t know anything about For KING & Country you should know this, brothers Luke and Joel have a mantra: Priceless. They spend time at their shows defining a woman’s worth as “priceless” and calling men to a return to chivalry and a challenge to all to honor and respect one another. It reminds me of another moment from my past, as a teenager attending a Rebecca St. James concert where she talked about purity and challenged all in attendance to a vow of celibacy until marriage (Coincidentally enough, Rebecca is Luke and Joel’s sister). The messages are similar, but this one was more about who I am and not what I do. The priceless label applies with no strings attached. Respecting one another is an unconditional act, it is never “earned” or “deserved,” everyone should respect everyone else. If you’re a human, it’s what you do.
When I first heard the song, “Busted Heart” I was at a turning point in my life. I felt broken and worthless, but wanted so much more. I had spent so much of my life in church and I knew I could–I could find peace, happiness, joy–I just didn’t believe that I deserved it. I didn’t believe I was worth it. I cycled over and over again from being hopeful about changing my life and then sulking in depression of my past and never being able to outrun it. Like the lyrics from the song, I was “in need of a change” and “desperate for grace.”
Later that year, I met the man who would become my husband. My husband has an amazing heart and truly loves unconditionally. He was the first person I ever felt loved me without strings. He didn’t place unnecessary burdens or expectations on me. He didn’t love me for his own selfish gain. His respect of me was never altered by what I did or what I thought or what I believed. He just simply loved me. As I was.
I have spent so much of my life feeling as though people would only love me if… If I do this. If I say that. If I believe this. If I… [fill in the blank]. My husband showed me that not only could I be loved, but that I was loved. Just for being me.
My husband didn’t change my worth. But he did show it to me. Like a mirror, the way he treated me reflected back and reminded me of who I really was. He allowed me to see myself, instead of forcing something different on me. And I was accepting of what he was saying because I finally felt relief from the pressure of trying to prove myself.
Every human life is priceless. Period. No one or no thing can redefine your worth. You are priceless. You do not have to earn love or respect. You do not have to prove your worth. You just are. You are priceless.
I admire For KING & Country’s message and invite you to follow them. Listen to their music. Read their book. And on Friday, October 14, 2016 go see their new film “Priceless” and take a friend. It might just change your life.