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Dealing with Disappointment as a Step Parent

Dealing with Disappointment as a Step Parent

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One of the most important things we learn in life is how to handle disappointment. There are two extremes we can fall into–setting high expectations and always feeling disappointed, or learning to set no expectations at all. But there is a healthy medium in the middle we can all strive to meet. As a stepparent, appropriate expectations is an important goal to strive for.

There are many expectations that stepparents have. The most common of these expectations is that being a stepparent should feel like being a birth-parent. In my experience, the stepparents who have the hardest time lowering this expectation are those who also have their own biological children. Their expectations stem from a constant comparison with their biological children. These parents constantly find themselves disappointed when their stepchildren do not respond the same way their biological children do.

My first advice is this: you can have a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship with your stepchild(ren), but that relationship will NEVER be the same as the one with your biological child(ren). Let go of that expectation! It will only bring you heartache and drive your stepchild further from you. Don’t put yourself down, just like the differences between men and women, step and bio parents have different roles. That is OK. It doesn’t make you less important or less loved–it just makes your relationship DIFFERENT.

When a stepparent dynamic is in play–no matter the situation through divorce or death–the nature of the relationship with your spouse is different than that of a marriage without this dynamic. A major component being disappointment. A stepparent often finds themselves having to play the role of encourager to their spouse, being optimistic and setting high expectations to help their spouse avoid depression and disappointment of their own. We find ourselves building hope and trying to make everything positive, in a way that can come crashing down around us if we place too high of expectations on ourselves.

I say this all, not from having some great insight beyond yours that I must share, but because I sit here early in the morning, unable to sleep because of my own bout with disappointment.

Every story is different, but to simplify mine out of respect to my family and an ongoing court battle. My husband has been alienated from his children and denied access to them for several years, he fights a constant uphill battle and I am his biggest (and sometimes only) cheerleader. I know personally how difficult it is to be a child in that situation–afraid to love “the other parent.” So, I fight not only for my husband, but for the children because I know firsthand how desperately they need their father in their lives. That passion sometimes comes with great disappointment. Especially as a stepparent who has never even met their stepchildren.

Most of the time I think I can keep a lot of my expectations in the realistic realm because of my own experiences with my stepparents. But sometimes you just want something too much.

For me it was a hope that my husband would reconnect with his children for his birthday. After a long struggle with the family court system and years of delays, the judge ordered restoration therapy. Finally, my husband would be able to sit down with his kids and a court-appointed counselor and start rebuilding broken relationships and hopefully shed light on any emotional and psychological needs of the children that could be addressed with therapy–which in my personal opinion should be mandatory for every child who has to deal with divorce (and the penalty for any parent who keeps their child from therapy should be a prison sentence for neglect and abuse). Soapbox aside, there was finally light at the end of the tunnel and I was busy to the task of building up my husband as he has been beaten down so much from the journey that he didn’t even believe any of it would happen. We walked away from the courthouse that day and I was like, “Do you realize what this means? You are going to see your children again!” Of course, in my mind I was tacking on “and maybe even before your birthday!”

I saw a perfect opportunity for building a family memory, when I placed a bid at a silent charity auction for 4 tickets to a major league baseball game. I figured, by the time this game rolls around, my husband could have restored visitation… this would be so much fun…. I wonder if the kids have ever been to a major league baseball game before… so many thoughts swirled in my head. So, I put in a bid and left it up to fate. The tickets were worth so much more than I could afford to pay, so I really didn’t expect to win them… but I did. And it felt like destiny. I tucked them away, hoping to surprise my husband as soon as the kids came back into our lives.

But that day didn’t come. Lawyers sparing, counselors too busy to make appointments for weeks… everything in the universe seems to be against my husband reconnecting with his kids. Months go by and we are in the same place we were in before. It’s so frustrating, I just want to scream! And now the day has come and gone for the ballgame I had hoped to be our first family outing together. And I fight to hold back the tears from rolling down on the club-level seat tickets, as I imagine what could have been.

I want to keep encouraging my husband to go on, but at the same time feel so broken and helpless. It seems like there will never be an end to the pain. And my heart aches for the children, whose pain is intensified by their age.

I have to take my own advice and take my expectations down a notch. That would have been too quick of a turnaround to be possible, anyway. Going from years of separation, to happy family outing in a matter of months. I just want it so bad. For my husband, for the children, for my family as a whole. But we have to keep things in perspective and take life one step at a time.

Coincidentally enough, I learned a lot of these lessons from my own stepmother–even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I’m sure she had a lot of her own disappointment moments. But the one I remember in particular had to do with her cooking… You see, my stepmother would often try to cook dinner for us when my siblings and I visited. I’m not sure of all of her motivation behind it, but I do know that we were the opposite of grateful. I remember her cooking things like Chicken Parmesan, which I didn’t like and didn’t want to eat. But at the same time, I was a depressed teenager who blamed my stepmother for my parents failed marriage, so I also had an attitude and deep desire to not like anything about her or anything she did. So refusing to eat anything she made was just par for the course, really.  In retrospect, the night she chopped up fresh veggies and put together a huge build-your-own taco bar, knowing that it was my favorite meal, was probably her “olive branch” in a manner of speaking. I can only imagine how disappointed and hurt she must have felt that I constantly hated her when she had never done anything to me. I don’t remember everything that had happened that day, but I remember that I wasn’t feeling all that well. I don’t blame my stepmother for being upset and disappointed when she had made this huge dinner for me and I informed her that I wasn’t going to eat it. She probably thought I was just being a spoiled little brat–which really wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. I wasn’t feeling all that great, but not bad enough to continue to protest after her “I made this just for you and you will eat it,” moment. So, I reluctantly obliged and ate a bunch of tacos. Which I really regretted when I awoke a few hours after going to bed only to heave-ho the whole meal all over the bathroom.

While it wasn’t the most glorious of experiences, it’s one that marks a turning point in my relationship with my stepmother. Even if I hadn’t eaten that meal, the fact that she specifically made something I loved just for me was huge. And even though I’d have argued that the only reason she did it was because my dad was laid up with a broken leg and wouldn’t have been much help… it was even bigger that she got up to take care of me when I was sick.

So, take it from me. Little actions go a long way. So, don’t get caught up in disappointment when something doesn’t go as planned. Especially with children. Things take time. Usually more time than you think. Be patient and know that if you continue to do what is right you will be rewarded.

Next time you want to get upset that your stepchild didn’t give you a Mother’s Day card, or refused to eat the dinner you made, or wear an outfit you bought, or whatever the situation–don’t. Set high expectations for your relationship to flourish (I have a great relationship with my stepmother now that I am grown, that is always improving) but don’t put a time limit on it. These things take time. Don’t let the delay disappoint you.

The Roots of Divorce are Strong and Far-reaching

The Roots of Divorce are Strong and Far-reaching

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I’ve spent the majority of my life reflecting on divorce. Always the little kid asking, “Why?” Divorce is like a giant tree that has grown in the middle of the garden of my life, like a weed with big twisted roots choking out everything else in the garden. The first 20 years, I was caught up in it emotionally, fueling the tree like Miracle Grow with my bitterness, anger and resentment. Somewhere during the last decade, I started going through a renaissance period. I started cutting through the emotions with the blade of the sword of Truth and looking at things a little differently. Still asking “Why?” but this time looking for answers that held truth instead of those jaded by my own brokenness. First I realized Miracle Grow is poison, so let’s get rid of that. This tree is not one good for fruit or shade or anything else, it is dark and brings nothing but darkness; so not only is it not productive in my garden it is slowing destroying everything else. So, I decided to chop it down. Hasn’t been easy. When you realize how much the roots have intertwined with everything else, the task almost seems impossible to complete.

One of those roots is selfishness.

A marriage is a single unit. Two people choose to come together to become one. Continuing on the path of one-ness requires sacrifice because you have to abandon all sense of selfishness. Nothing is mine or yours, it is ours. Having children just adds more “we” to the “us.”

Divorce is like a villain everyone underestimates. I’ve talked to many people who claim, “Oh, I wouldn’t do that.” “Our divorce is different.” “We get along so much better now.” Some divorces are less tumultuous, some people are luckier (if you want to call it that) than others–but you cannot underestimate this enemy. There is so much going on behind the scenes.

The hard truth is this: divorce makes everyone involved selfish. Whaaaaaaaat?! Yes, you. You’re not magically immune. Don’t deny it, it will only make things worse–and teach your children to be even more so. Think about it logically for a moment. Divorce fractures a family unit. What was one now is in several pieces. Even if some of the pieces try to align together, the underlying truth is that every man now fends for himself. There is no us, there is only me.

Somehow our society has come to the conclusion that we should not rock the boat and try to salvage things–you know, for the good of the kids. I imagine their thought process is that a broken family breaks apart like a puzzle (it seems logical, people were separated before they come together to form a family) and if we just remove one piece of the puzzle, it will be OK. The puzzle is still almost whole. You can still see the image. We can glue all the other pieces together, to the table, so we don’t loose any more. That one piece won’t be that big of a deal. But that is not how it works. That thinking will never work.

When hearts break, they don’t break even. Hearts–and families–shatter. Imagine a glass shattered on the ground, spilt milk everywhere. The glass is the family and the milk was their future. After this moment, nothing will ever be the same. All of the family members made up one glass together. When the glass broke the family didn’t just break apart into a clean piece for each person. Every person themselves is shattered and all the pieces strewn about. What do you do? You try to put yourself back together.

It’s not that anything is wrong about that. It’s human nature. And a necessary evil. Think about being on a distressed airplane where the oxygen masks have fallen from the ceiling–what do you do? You put on your mask. You have to. They tell you to. You put on your mask first. You can get all indignant and wax eloquent saying that you’re a selfless parent who would definitely be concerned with putting a mask on your child first. But you may not live to help your child, if you don’t help yourself first.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t start by putting yourself back together. On the contrary, I am. But you have to realize what you are doing. Don’t lie to yourself, or others. Sometimes you have to be selfish for a moment to become selfless for a lifetime.

Think of Jesus in the garden at Gethsemane. Sweating blood. Irate with his brothers for falling asleep and having little regard for what is going on. How pivotal of a moment in history is that? Jesus needed that moment to say “I don’t want to do this. Please don’t make me do this.” He needed a little me time to get perspective on the us. Then he made a choice, to make the sacrifice for the good of the world–a broken, fractured group of people. Altruism. He didn’t whine “Woe is me, look what I did for you, look how selfless I am that I would die for you! Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.”

The irony about the glass scenario is how people act like divorce is the end of the world when it comes to family life. But it is not. Divorce doesn’t destroy families (well, it does if we let it; but it doesn’t naturally) it just restructures them. Same way that new additions, death, adulthood, marriage, or other life changes would. That’s probably where we get the term “family dynamics,” because families are dynamic. Families don’t stay the same. Ever. They are always changing. They involve multiple people who are constantly evolving and changing the way they interact with one another.

So, why when there is a divorce do we try to take all the glass shards for ourselves and force everything to an old memory to stay the same forever? I’m still trying to figure out that why. Actually, no. I think I know. I think it is because all logic and reason goes out the window and people act only on emotion. And the emotional response to hurt is to pull back and avoid being hurt again. So the most aggressively emotional person in the group grabs all the pieces and tries to force them into their desired memory, while driving out any memory of the one person they are removing and placing all the blame on. Selfishness. I don’t think that person necessarily means to hurt anyone. And they are convinced they are a victim and an vigilant, saving everyone else from this hurt. But hurt happens. The hurt has been done. Don’t push it deeper. Help it heal.

The cool thing about glass is that it melts at high heat. It just so happens that divorce (and other life-altering events) is an intense heat situation, providing a perfect opportunity to make something beautiful in the midst of an ugly situation.

You just thought that a puzzle was a better scenario because you didn’t truly think about the entire picture.  Just a puzzle missing a piece, much better than tiny shards broken glass that can’t be fixed. But the puzzle will remain broken forever. You can’t just get by without a piece. You can’t force a different piece in it’s spot. Or draw a new piece yourself and get the same finished whole product as the original.

The shards of glass cannot be glued back together to form the same shape they were in before. But they aren’t meant to. Once a family is divided it has to start again, re-creating new families. Just like you did when you got married in the first place. You don’t think you left broken glass when you left your parents’ glass?! Well, you did. Just go ask your mom. Her life changed. Forever. Families are supposed to change. They were designed that way. That’s what makes them dynamic.

So, why are we forcing children of divorce to cry over spilt milk? Demanding they use superglue to desperately try to glue together something that cannot be fixed? Tying their well-being and self worth to our own and trying to force them to feel our feelings and reject the other parent?

It’s time to stop being selfish. Take a moment to be selfish to reflect on yourself, get help from outside to focus on the big picture: families change, and you cannot remove anyone from your family–marriage is forever (in more way than one). IF you make a child with someone you are tied to them for life. You cannot change the laws of life. No amount of running or lying or repressing will eliminate a member of your family. So stop trying. Look at what is and make the most of it. Choose to be selfless for your children. Recognize that you are hurting your children more by your actions than the divorce itself. And accept the cold hard truth that the best way to navigate your family through divorce is together. In case you missed it, together means with your ex. Because no one’s ex falls of the earth after a divorce to never be heard from again. They are there. For the rest of your life. Learn to live with it. Not just “until the kids get older,” or “after the payments stop,” or “when the ex gets remarried,” but for-ev-er. Your children will grow up, get married and have children of their own. You will have weddings, funerals, births, graduations, birthday parties, and countless other milestone moments in your family life that you cannot eliminate someone from. Suck it up, Buttercup. For your family. For your kids. Set fire to the broken glass and make what you want of the pieces–together. You’re family never gets smaller, it only changes form. Teach your children how to handle the changes in life, stop the cycle of bitterness, brokenness, and victimization, prepare them for the inevitable next change. Dynamic. Families are dynamic.

Disney doesn’t ruin children’s minds with fantasy images of marriage and family. We do. We’re the ones crying “Woe is me… ” “All this bad stuff? I didn’t deserve…” “Make sure you pick the right person…” “Leave them before they leave you,” and all kinds of other bad advice. Whether verbally or through our actions. Stop telling children that you can make “perfect” families and keep them that way. It’s not normal. It’s not supposed to happen. It’s not going to happen. If you keep feeding them these lies before they ever realize the truth they will be lost and broken thinking something is wrong with them, when the only problem they had was having a parent fail to teach them the beauty in broken glass and the ability to create under fire.

Do you want your children to spend their entire lives preoccupied with mediating their parents’ failed relationship? “Well, if I invite dad, mom is going to be unbearable the entire time..” “I’d call my mother, but I don’t want to spend an hour listening to her berate my father…” “I think my kids would be better off spending minimal amount of time with their grandparents. Too much drama.” “If I have to choose between my parents… I choose neither. I can take care of myself.”

No matter how awesome you think you are. You cannot be both parents to your child. They will always have a hole in their heart. After-all, fifty percent of them is the other parent. If you teach them to hate the other parent. You really just teach them to hate themselves.

Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband

Sex as a Ministry to Your Husband

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Men and women are different. And Different is Good.

One of the main differences between men and women is sex. There is nothing wrong with our differences. We just need to learn to understand and appreciate them. Our current culture is trying to equalize our differences. I strongly believe that is a dangerous approach, our differences is what makes our marriage work.

The first time I was introduced to the idea of sex as a ministry was reading Stormie Omartian’s book “The Power of a Praying Wife.” How could someone put those two words together? Sex is probably the most taboo subject in the church! Of course the mishandling of the topic of sex in church warrants a blog of it’s own, but the takeaway here is that at that time I didn’t understand because (1) I wasn’t yet married and (2) I was poorly informed. I’ve learned a lot about sex in the short amount of time that I have been married. And I just want to pass it along. Don’t be the cable Mel, be the DirecTV Mel…

Men and women approach sex differently. I imagine if you did a survey asking “If sex were a food, what food would it be?” the most common answer among males would be something along the lines of “Steak and Potatoes” while females would respond with a dessert like “Chocolate Cake.”

The logic behind the female choice of Chocolate Cake is that it is all about the build up. You don’t each chocolate cake everyday. You long for it. It matters how it looks, tastes, how it’s prepared and who prepares it. You don’t really ever need it, but you desire it when all the right circumstances line up. It’s a reward once all your work is finished, the prize at the end of a race. It is viewed as expendable, when finances (or your clothes) are tight it is the first thing you cut out.

Meanwhile the male choice of Steak and Potatoes is an opposite approach. Both choices are high value and desirable; but the man is more focused on survival than reward. You can’t live without eating meals. It’s a means to an end. You don’t have sufficient fuel to engage or work without it. It can be savored, delicious, and desired–or not, either way you need substance to survive. If you don’t get your fill you become irritable and malnourished, unable to focus on or assist with any task.

I don’t know about you, but when I get frustrated I can’t eat. Don’t want to. Too much to do. Don’t need food for fuel because i am fueled by my emotions. Don’t get in my way. And the last thing I want is chocolate cake. Suddenly weight gain, self consciousness, misuse of finances, and frivolousness are the only associations made with a delectable treat in any other context.

When my husband has a bad day, I take it personally. I’m ready to fight for the man I love. Who do I need to chew out? File a complaint against? Bake Ex-Lax brownies for? Whatever or whoever it is–I’m ready to fix it (or at least rant about it for hours)! We’ll have chocolate cake later, let me fix this first.

My husband is different. He doesn’t dive face first into his problems. He wants to step back and eat a hearty meal first. Before talking about, resolving, or even thinking about the issue. He is not fueled by emotions, he is drained by them. Reeling over the issue doesn’t help him clear the air, it just causes him additional pain while he slips lower into depression.

At some point in our lives we all have that epiphany moment where we realize that people around us just don’t think the same way we do. They don’t see things the same way we do. They don’t react the same way we do. It is absolutely necessary to learn this and remember this in your marriage. Your husband views the world differently. And that is a good thing.

Here is where the ministry comes into play. Being a wife means setting aside the single life you lived to join a team. Your life no longer revolves around “me,” it revolves around “us.” When problems arise you may have to learn a new approach, because you’re not in a kayak anymore you’ve moved to a canoe–with another person holding a paddle–and it doesn’t function the same way. You have to learn the idiosyncrasies of one another. And sometimes you have to pick up the slack or change your direction so you don’t flip the boat and both end up fighting for your lives.

So here are the basics: Men need sex as a release. Women don’t want sex unless they’re in the right mood. There will be times when someone in the marriage has to make an adjustment.

My advice to you ladies is to use sex as part of your ministry. Support your husband when he needs it the most. When your husband has a bad day, put down your pitchfork and put your arms around him. Your husband is already feeling defeated and depleted. You trying to fight his battles makes him feel even less of a man. And no amount of you sounding off your opinion about the situation or offering up suggestion of what he should do is going to help. He’s already being attacked, don’t fuel the fire. Hold him. Make love to him. Allow him to release. Sex gets his mind right, focused, and motivated to fight. It boosts his testosterone levels. It makes him feel closer to you and it puts him in the right place to get closer to God.

And you might just be surprised at how your husband changes his tune the next time you’re not having the best day…

Unleashed

Unleashed

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Music affects us. Our mood, our attitude, which in turn affects our actions. It is difficult to explain. Sometimes, we don’t even see the impact. How does music affect you? Or how does your taste in music change dependent on your mood?

I would say there are two major types of musical reactions to depression. You have some people who are feeling blue and their optimism of something better drives them to listen to what I refer to as “happy music,” You know the kind–soft and dreamy like kittens, unicorns, and rainbows. Then, you have the other side of the coin–the pessimistic wallflowers. They turn on the angsty brooding music that hammers away to lyrics along the lines of “blah, blah, blah, I hate you, blah, blah blah, life sucks!”

For the record my husband falls into the former category, and I the later; but I’m glad that somewhere along the way I found another approach. I’m glad I found Skillet.

I suffered from serious bouts with depression throughout my childhood and adolescence. I often felt unwanted, unloved, untalented, undesired, uninvited. I wanted more out of life, but lost hope that more was even achievable. Getting involved with church gave me some hope, but I still regarded myself as too broken even for God. And when my church let me down, I didn’t separate the people of the church from my direct relationship with God. Because I didn’t think I could have a personal relationship with God. Even my own parents didn’t want me, how could I ever be good enough for God?

Sometimes I think back and wonder if I ever would have made it through those terrible teenage years without Skillet’s music.

The thing about Skillet’s music is that it doesn’t fit in either the happy or the misery category. Skillet’s music is empowering. It’s positive, but not in a puppies on clouds and unicorns farting rainbows kind of way–it’s real. It’s also dark, but not in the desperate bitter way, demanding others to share your sorrow–it’s real. Life is rough. Bad things happen. Hope is real. Happiness is achievable. But you have to fight. Listen to enough of Skillet’s music and it will unleash your inner warrior.

I find it only fitting that Skillet’s newest album, aptly titled “Unleashed,” has hit the market just when my husband and I needed the reminder the most. We are struggling with ongoing complications of our blended family and depression is just one uncontrolled thought away. Every day we need the reminder to refuse to sulk or to get lost in dreams of fantasy utopias, and focus on what is real and rise up to fight. Unleash the fire within. You are invincible when you trust in God and believe in yourself.

I’ve one read Skillet creator and front man, John Cooper, describe music this way, “Music expresses something I could never say with words. Music helps me remember how to FEEL. Music is power. Music heals. Music breaks chains. Ends depression. Stops addiction. Drives out demons. God gave us the ability to create music so mankind can better glorify Him.”

Like every album Skillet has produced, I could listen to “Unleashed” on repeat non-stop. Constantly being enlightened and encouraged. I was introduced to Skillet by one of those 99 cent “New Deal-e-o” CDs and have never looked back. (If you don’t know what that is, you’ve either never been in a Christian book store… or you know, I’m just getting old…) Right now the track “Lions” is really speaking to my situation, so let me close by sharing the lyrics with you.

Lions
By Skillet

Today we live, today we breathe
Today we know that we are strong when we are weak
Today we trust, we overcome
Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off
We’re not waiting for permission
We defy our inhibition
Like our middle name is “fearless”
Unafraid

If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles
Arms out wide
If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil
We will rise
By your power, we will go
By your spirit, we are bold
If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants
If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions
We walk as lions

Today is ours, it’s always been
Before we face the fight
We know who’s gonna win
We live by faith and not by sight
We don’t want safe and quiet
We don’t wanna run and hide
This is not an intermission
It’s our time, not gonna miss it
You’ve already called us fearless
Unafraid

If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles
Arms out wide
If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil
We will rise
By your power, we will go
By your spirit, we are bold
If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants
If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions
We walk as lions

Oh, everywhere we go
The battle has been won
We know you’ve gone before us
So, we take it hard in faith
With every step we take
We know we’ll rise victorious

If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles
Arms out wide
If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil
We will rise
By your power, we will go
By your spirit, we are bold
If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants
If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions
We walk as lions

The thing about Loneliness is…

The thing about Loneliness is…

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On Saturday mornings my husband and I attend a prayer service at our church where 45 minutes is dedicated to praying over the prayer requests of the congregation. Those little 2×3 cards can really put things into perspective–death, job loss, addiction, severed relationships, the list goes on and on. You may be struggling in your own life; but you are not alone. Reading those cards reminds you of that–you are not alone.

Many times I pick up cards that I can personally relate to. It might be a coincidence, but I don’t believe much in coincidence. It is a divine intervention that keeps me grounded and reminds me that I am not alone. And sometimes, it reminds me of where I’ve been and what I’ve already overcome.

Today was one of those days. One of the cards I had picked up just had one word sprawled across it, the letters so large they spanned several lines.

Loneliness

It felt like a kick to the gut. I wanted to find that person and reach out to them, tell them that they are not alone. How could you feel alone, you come to a church with hundreds of members? Many of whom are facing similar struggles. Connect with someone and you won’t have to weather the storm alone.

My conversation with God went something like…

“This church is so large. How could anyone feel alone here? There are so many people to share with, to cry with, to connect with–to weather the storm with. No one has to struggle alone. How can you let this person feel so alone? So, outside the lines they didn’t put their name or any details of what they are going through. There are so many people who want to help. Connect them with someone who is sympathetic to their struggles. Help them to build stronger relationships with their church, friends, and family members. They don’t need to feel lonely anymore. They are not alone. There are so many people…”

“Are you done yet?”

“Wait. What?”

“Don’t you remember what it felt like?”

Ooft. Boy do I ever.

I spent the majority of my life being depressed. Most of which I blamed on my parents for getting divorced and making my childhood a never ending roller-coaster of emotions. As I grew older, the net expanded to include classmates, “so called” friends, extended family, church members–anyone who upset me or excluded me from something. I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone. ANYONE. All these people were throwing rocks at me, and I was picking them up and building a massive wall around my heart. I hated people. People hurt you. I just wanted them all to leave me alone.

Oh.

When I was lost in the depths of loneliness, people did try to help me. But I didn’t let them. Funny thing about those rocks… when your friends see that you are building something and they want to help they go foraging for materials.  They see you need more rocks, so they throw you some. Your friends start throwing rocks to you. Not at you to you.

The thing about loneliness is that it can’t simply be solved by more social interaction with people. Loneliness is an internal struggle. A struggle that has to be won by the heart and mind of the one who created it. You have to learn to change your view of the people around you, by first learning to change your view of yourself.

And start building a castle instead of a wall. Castles are cooler and you can invite your friends inside, so no one else feels excluded.

P.S. There are always going to be those people who do throw rocks at you. Best not to let yourself be bothered by it. Thank them for the building material. Chances are one day they are going to regret that they gave away everything they had in anger, leaving them with nothing; while you’ve built an awesome castle.

Three Things I Wish My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

Three Things I Wish My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

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One of the most devastating things about growing up as a child of divorce is missing out on witnessing a healthy marriage. I cannot stress enough to parents that a healthy marriage is the best gift you can ever give your child. For those of you with children in a secondary relationship (following divorce, death, adoption, etc.), no pressure, but your relationship becomes exponentially more important and more intimately scrutinized. Actions speak louder than words.

That being said, here are the major three things I wish my parents had taught me about marriage:

1.) Marriage is a Choice

There are actually two parts to this item. First there is a choice to marry. Believe it or not, not everyone has to get married. It is a choice. Our society places a lot of emphasis on marriage, constantly pressuring single people with a guilt that they are less valued–ironic, since there is so little respect for the sanctity of marriage. Even the church often neglects the single, widowed, and divorced, while elevating married as the desired status; which is probably why the apostle Paul spent so much time speaking on the subject (1 Corinthians 7). I don’t know all the specifics of his life, but scholars believe that Paul was married and widowed sometime before writing the letters to Corinthians. I’m just guessing, but I think he must have gotten a lot of flack from others in the church about not remarrying. (Maybe his driving point that being married “is good, but being single is better,” was provoked by church members taunting single people with the notion that they may be bestowed with the unwanted “gift” of celibacy.) We should not place unnecessary pressure on anyone. Everyone has to make their own choice as to whether or not they want to marry (or remarry) and there are pros and cons for each path.

Secondly, if you do choose to marry, you must choose to whom you will marry. This choice is often labeled as “the most important decision of one’s life,” and is the focus of countless books, movies, and other media that shapes societal opinion. Unfortunately, our society has created a misnomer in the idea of “the one” and an epic journey to find the only perfect match. I plan to discuss this further in a future blog, but to keep this pithy I am going to just summarize that marriage is not about finding the perfect mate. A healthy marriage begins with finding yourself and then actively choosing to make a commitment to another person.

2.) Marriage is a Commitment

Recently, Pope Francis made a stir in the media for suggesting that most marriages today are invalid because couples do not understand the magnitude of the commitment required. I’m sure some people were offended at the notion, but you have to admit that he has a point. Whether or not a marriage is or isn’t “valid” (whatever that means), our society does not view or teach marriage as a lifelong commitment. In our culture–especially in the United States–marriage is disposable. Assumption usually is that your marriage isn’t going to last long, “so enjoy the ride and get a pre-nup!” We condemn ourselves to failure before ever leaving the gate. Just like in a team sport scenario, the team dynamic is poisoned by a lack of loyalty.

We have to bring marriage back to it’s purpose. A covenant. A lifelong commitment to an imperfect human being, whom we are choosing to stand behind through hell or high water. Presumably everyone can recite the typical marriage vows, “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…” but does anyone truly understand the depth of that commitment? And what are you teaching your children?

3.) Marriage is a Challenge

The culmination of the previous two points is this–marriage is a challenge. Marriage takes effort, time, and ongoing, non-stop hard work. The challenge begins with the choice and making the commitment and then carries on throughout every moment for what should be forever. Marriage is not easy. Paul was trying to convey that point to the people of Corinth many moons ago, and I plead with you today to see the gravity of the situation. You have to fight for your marriage. Every day. For the rest of your life.

There is nothing you can do to completely escape struggle in your marriage. You will endure hard times. Choosing the perfect person doesn’t catapult you to a magical land where you never disagree. Your spouse’s history, age, race, religion, career, family lineage, personality, baggage, or [enter whatever other quality you believe may make or break a marriage here] will not change the fact that marriage is hard. The only thing that changes is how you will react to the situation. Are you committed to your choice? Or will you walk away at the first sign of trouble and blame away your own responsibility?

In summary, Marriage is choosing a person and committing to facing every challenge in life with them hand-in-hand, together forever. And there is no shame in choosing not to take that road.

For the Fathers Separated from their Children on Father’s Day

For the Fathers Separated from their Children on Father’s Day

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For many years, there was one moment in movies, at weddings, etc. that would inevitably bring me to tears and make me feel like someone had just stabbed me with a knife through the heart:  a father-daughter dance. Every time. Why? Because I was preemptively mourning something I thought I would never have. It hurts so much to watch someone else be happy enjoying something that you long for.

I am not a father (and never will be, courtesy of me being a woman and all), so I cannot directly share your pain of being away from your children on Father’s Day.  However, I do want to share what I encouragement I can offer from the other side. Because I have been a child separated from her father for so much more than just Father’s Day.

My parents divorced when I was a child. Prior to that divorce, I was your typical Daddy’s girl. I was my father’s little princess and he was my hero. The foundation of my life crumbled along with my parent’s marriage. The divorce was ugly, lasted for years, and ultimately ended with my mother moving my siblings and me 1500 miles away from our father and everyone we knew.

Years of geographical separation paired with resentment and bitterness fueled by my devastated mother caused an emotional alienation from my father. I went from being sad, to being mad, to never wanting to see my father again, to referring to him as my “sperm donor” and minimizing his impact on my life. At least I tried. And so I cried. Every time I saw a father-daughter dance.

The thing about parent-child relationships is that you can’t break them. You can’t ignore them. You can’t destroy them. You can’t try to run away and escape them. The blood bond is just too strong. Trust me. I’ve tried. So no matter what happens–whether death, divorce, abuse, alienation–whatever your story is, your child will always love you and want to be with you (even if their words and/or actions say otherwise at the present moment).

As a father, part of your job is to sacrifice for your children. It is unfortunate and unnatural that you have to sacrifice this way, but yet here you are spending [another] Father’s Day without the very child[ren] that qualify you to celebrate this holiday. And you have to bear it. You have to stay strong. You have to maintain a level head and also not resort to anger–against yourself, or your child, or their mother, or whoever you think may be responsible for the current divide. Sometimes it is your job to make the sacrifice. It is not fair. But no one said fatherhood was fair.

So, I’ve been a little depressing but I intend to encourage, I promise. If there is one thing I want to desperately say to you today it is to keep on loving your child[ren]. You are and always will be their Daddy. They love you. Love them. Love them with the unconditional love that parents were always meant to share with their children. And when they are angry and bitter and tell you that they hate you and never want to see you again, love them harder; because they need it all the more. Given your situation, you may have to love them from afar; but do everything you do as though they are watching you (because they probably are, or will be) and are looking for an opportunity to run back to you.

I married a divorcee. My husband has been separated from his children for years. It kills me to see the pain in his eyes, every day; because every day is a one more day they aren’t together. It is a crying shame, but has become a staple of our society (I have heard countless stories) for loving, able fathers to be alienated from their children. Please know that the children hurt, too. Your child may be caught in the middle of a tug-of-war with his/her mother and just trying to survive with the least amount of damage. Your child may have been turned against you by someone they trust and doesn’t know what the truth is anymore. Your child may be an adult who disagreed with you on something and just isn’t ready to admit they were wrong yet. So many stories, but they can all end well with the same approach–Love and open arms.

I want to close with a special photograph. And a thank you to my own father. I spent 15+ years of my life trying to eliminate my father from my life, reveling in resentment and bound by bitterness. I don’t know the extend of the pain I caused him; but I’m well acquainted with how much I have hurt myself. I couldn’t be more grateful or proud of my dad who, when I realized that I wanted and needed him, was waiting for me with open arms. Loving me the same way he did when I was a three year old little princess. After all of the terrible things I have said (and thought and felt) to and about my father, he loves me and continues to sacrifice of himself for me.

I sometimes mourn the lost opportunities for all the memories I could have had with my father over the span of the many years we were emotionally separated. However, I no longer preemptively mourn for things that I think I’ll never had. Life is too short, and suspect for change. Today will not inevitably be your tomorrow.

Enjoy today. Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Reminisce of all the happy memories you have shared with your child[ren] and look forward to the memories you will create in the future. You will be reunited with your child[ren]. Focus on being ready by continuing to love them through the pain and keeping your arms wide open.

My Father-Daughter Dance

My father-daughter dance–that I thought would never happen–became a reality at my wedding. Thank you, Daddy. I love you!

Marriage After Divorce

Marriage After Divorce

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I’m sure there will always be naysayers telling me how I don’t really understand divorce because I myself have never been divorced. I do understand divorce. And my entire life has been influenced and affected by divorce–my parents divorce. Getting divorced and being a child divorce are two different things. On top of that difference, each individual is affected differently by the circumstances of divorce. However, I submit to you that the underlying spirit that affects everyone in divorce is betrayal. When two people come together in marriage they make a commitment to retain that union forever. Divorce is a betrayal.

Betrayal – the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations, or between individuals and organizations. (Wikipedia)

People who get divorced usually feel betrayed. Most often they see that betrayal as adultery or another act but the divorce itself is also a betrayal. Betrayal by both parties. Your partner may have betrayed you when they committed adultery, but you also betrayed them when you walked away instead of getting to the root of the problem and working to resolve your differences – as you vowed to do “for better or for worse.”

What people don’t see is how divorce is a betrayal to their children. When we have children we don’t have elaborate ceremonies and make public vows to them promising to support them, providing for their physical and emotional needs. But it is implied. An implied contract. Parents realize their responsibility to their child’s physical needs and outsiders assume that is why divorces get so ugly, arguing over the house, custody, the children’s expenses–after all what decent parent isn’t doing what they feel is best for their child? What most parents (and outsiders) don’t see is the implied promise in the heart and the mind of a child that they will always be one family with the two people who made them. And you might think well I didn’t or couldn’t ever promise that! And that doesn’t really matter. A child inherently feels that way and consequently feels betrayed when that commitment is not kept. Furthermore, the high-conflict divorce situation cuts the betrayal even deeper as angry parents argue over physical needs while ignoring the emotional need of their child to continue fostering healthy relationships with both of their parents.

Another thing to keep in mind is that being betrayed and feeling betrayed are two different things. But are they really? When you feel betrayed does it not still create the moral and psychological stress that actual betrayal does? The problem that arises with children is that they have a more difficult time understanding and communicating their feelings. There is probably enough evidence to prove that divorce–in itself–is emotional abuse to children. Not that I’m saying I’m against divorce. Personally, I find staying in a failed marriage “for the kids” to be even more detrimental and abusive (but that is an entirely different blog). I just think it is very important for parents to be aware of their child’s emotional needs.

My parents divorce rocked the very foundation of my life. It changed my worldview and most specifically my view of people and relationships. Imagine one day your parents telling you that they made you because “Mommy and Daddy love each other very much,” then in the future being told “Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce because they just don’t love each other anymore.” Imagine your view of love? Your view of marriage? Love is forever? Pffft! Marriage is sacred? Ha! Marriage is a commitment? Yeah right! It seems like marriage is more of a social stamp on love. Which is easily erased when you “fall out of” love. Marriage becomes disposable. Thousands of children everyday become hardened against marriage because of its disposable nature. I spent most of my life vowing to myself to never get married and to never have children that would inevitably be abused by this world. It took 20 years and a lot of turmoil for me to forgive my parents and to redefine my view on marriage.

A friend shared of blog listing the ways that children of divorce love differently. The thing that stood out to me the most was feeling “hard to love.”  That is a feeling I have spent most of my life trying to overcome. We expect others to love us as those we have dealt with previously (our parents). We believe that we will inevitably be betrayed, abandoned, etc. because we feel our parents did those things. And if our parents–our very flesh and blood–value us so little that they would treat us so poorly, why would someone who is not related to us (forced to be with us) want to be with us? If my parents don’t love me, how could anyone else ever love me?

I also vowed I would never marry a divorcee. Too much baggage. Too much hurt that I don’t want to relive. Too big of a chance for history to repeat itself. I also felt entitled to something bigger, something better then my childhood. Because of the bad hand I was dealt as a kid and because I’ve never been with anyone else, don’t I deserve something better? All part of the misconception I built in my head about marriage.

I did marry a man from divorce. And it is beautiful. We understand one another’s hurts and hesitations. We pass beyond sympathy to empathy. We know how to build each other up and are aware of what tears one another down. And I think we love harder because of divorce. It is possible to be like the Phoenix and rise from the ashes of divorce to something more beautiful than before. So to those of you divorce or entering the idea of marrying a divorcee let me encourage you today. Divorce is not an end. There is marriage after divorce. And it is possible to have the love we only see in fairy tales and to appreciate it all the more.

Who am I?

Who am I?

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My story goes back several months to a Chamber of Commerce luncheon I attended, where circumstances lead to me sitting at a table with city officials, including an apparently very important gentleman receiving a lot of attention. “So, glad you could join us Mr. Senator!” Mr. Senator?!?! No wonder he is being treated like royalty! I continue to smile and converse with the people at the table, thinking to myself how I need to start paying more attention to the people in politics so I don’t find myself in these awkward situations where I’m eating lunch with someone important whom I don’t recognize. Come to find out this former senator, was none other than Hank Erwin–also a well known Christian evangelical broadcaster. I had to be the only person in the entire room who didn’t know who he was. (Can I justify my ignorance at all by stating that I am not from Birmingham? Maybe? A little bit?) Well, you know what, you ought to treat all people the same anyway. And we are on a level playing field, since he doesn’t know me either. Then, he turns to me and says those gut-wrenching words I so loath to hear, “So, who is Melissa?” It’s already painful when any random stranger asks me that. But someone of his stature, looking at me, and asking about who I am. What I do? What are my successes in life? Honestly, I wanted to climb under the table and wish this whole situation away. Who am I? I am no one. Especially by comparison to the people in this room. I’m the girl who strives for excellence in everything, but has nothing to show for all the heart I put into the things I do, because I’m always behind the camera. I graduated at the top of my class and was expected to be a phenomenal success, but I show more as a failure. I received a Bachelor’s Degree in filmmaking, at a local college, an hour away from where I grew up. I am an eternal dreamer, with reality gnawing at every fiber of my being as I go to work every day at a dead-end job which barely pays enough for me to make ends meet. I am the single 25 year old girl whom cannot build a lasting relationship, because all the men of authority in my past abused, abandoned, and rejected me. I’m the foreigner–born in Massachusetts, raised in Florida, and picked up everything and just moved to BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–of all places in the world–Just because I felt lead there. Wow. I am an emotionally damaged, professional failure, who is crazy enough to believe that I could find my purpose by moving to a new city–where I know no one (including public officials and local icons)–because a higher power prompted me to do so. So… which part of that should I say aloud first? I know. Right? *sigh* But hey, my job inspires me every day to sugar coat the crap life hands me… so, I smiled and said something. Blah. Blah. Blah. I don’t remember. Did it even matter? Funny thing is. It did. I mentioned film school and Mr. Erwin’s entire face lit up like a Christmas tree! I mean, usually I try to downplay my lost dreams of becoming a filmmaker because it is just another failure in my life. Really? I could have gotten an Engineering degree or a Computer Science degree and be living it up right now… but I studied FILM! However, Mr. Erwin didn’t for a moment look down on me for my choice of education. He was jubilant about my passion for the industry. And he went on and on about his two sons. How they were both filmmakers. Worked on music videos. Nominated for Dove awards. And are working on their first feature film. I was shocked and energized by this notion of someone seeing my dream, as that–a dream. Not a convoluted notion of something completely ridiculous to find success in. I was inspired. Felt guilty inside, for hiding who I am. Hiding behind what I deemed as failure and declaring my life dead and worthless. I could have talked with him for hours, I’m sure. But nevertheless, the rest of the room was waiting to have their moment with this powerful man. He left me with these words that continue to haunt me to this day, “Melissa, never give up on your dreams.”

It’s amazing to me how some people can come in and out of your life, saying few words but leaving such an incredible impression. That conversation is one of those moments in my life I will never forget.

Fast forward. (Yeah, nothing of great value ensued in this time. Didn’t try networking with the Erwin brothers; even though I found their Facebook pages and contemplating many times jotting a message to them, and pursuing them as friends… at least in the social media world. But, I’m a stubborn breed. Refusing to take assistance from others, and more importantly refusing to get ahead by who I know. Even though research revealed that the Erwin brothers also directed the most recent music videos of my FAVORITE BAND. How awesome is that?!?) Present day. My sister is going on and on about this abortion movie they are talking about on the radio. “I really want to go see it,” she tells me. I shrug it off. Phffft! Who wants to watch a movie with a political agenda. Definitely not MY cup of tea. “It’s a Christian movie,” she clarifies. Oh, Lord. That’s even worse. Imagine a Hallmark movie on steroids. It is sure to tug on your heart strings and demand you to not only suddenly feel abortion is the worst sin in the world; but that you need to go out and preach it to everyone! And I’m going to have to sit and watch cheesy actors overact a preachy message, which probably follows a scattered storyline with a pigeonholed plotline. (I like alliteration. Get over it.) “But the way they talked about it on the radio… I really want to see it,” she insists. So, I take a moment to research it. I’m pretty sure I was searching for an excuse NOT to go see this inevitable disaster of a movie, but instead I found a reason to go and see the movie. October Baby. The first feature length film written, directed, and produced by Jon and Andrew Erwin. Hey… That’s… Their movie. Local filmmakers, who filmed a local movie. Now I HAVE to see it!

Now, forget the abortion thing. It’s a coming of age film, which is entertaining with the precise balance of drama to comedy… This might be good. Oh, but the “Christian” stigma. Have you seen Fireproof?! Ugh. No. No. No. But these brothers… the Skillet music videos are awesome! My mind argued against itself. But at the end of the day. I have a heart for film. And I am going to support the local filmmakers. So, I went to the movie on that premise: knowing that the more people go to see the sneak preview release, the bigger the opportunity when they release it nationwide. I tried to hope for the best, but was prepared for the worst. (Which is kind of the same for all movies these days. Most Hollywood films aren’t worth the price of admission… definitely not worth buying a $10 bucket of popcorn.)

I ended up watching the movie alone. My sister was always working or out with her boyfriend. But she had made me curious, and I was going to see it before I missed the opportunity. Actually, I’m kind of glad that I did go alone. I had no idea how much the movie would affect me. (Yes, if you are an emotional being like me, you are going to need a box of Kleenex to make it through this film.)

October Baby is far from being a movie about abortion. It is a movie about forgiveness. The storyline of Hannah’s journey to overcoming the overdue truth revealed by her parents may not directly affect every member of the audience; but the message does. We all face struggles in our lives. The biggest of these is finding ourselves, being confident in who we are; and forgiving the people who hurt us along the way. Many times we don’t see how symbiotic those two components are. But the truth is that we can never truly be ourselves until we forgive those who have trespassed against us. That bitterness of unforgiveness takes root in our hearts and breeds resentment and hatred for others and ourselves. Before long, we feel worthless and lash out at everyone who cares for us, unable to build relationships, unable to strive for our dreams; and we don’t even know why! We search without finding. We feel like everything that happens to us is the end of the world. We don’t feel we have a purpose in this world. And it all started because someone who was hurting, unbeknownst to them, hurt us. Our world is caught in a vicious cycle of people hurting people hurting people. No one wants to step up and be the first one to say, “I don’t want to feel this anymore. I realize that you didn’t intend to hurt me this way, and even if you did, I’m forgiving you. Because I want to move on. I want to have faith that you can have relationships with people who don’t hurt you.”

This film hit me like a sack of bricks to the head. Abortion–that’s Hannah’s story. My story is different. Yet, everything that Hannah is feeling, I feel. Her wounds are highlighting my wounds. And her courage to stand up and be the “bigger person,” forgiving everyone who wronged her, cast a weight of guilt on my heart that I have been so stubborn and blind to have the strength to stand up and do the same to change my own life. Talk about making an impact.

I believe that film is a medium that speaks to people, because it speaks to me. My life is affected by things portrayed on the big screen. Not in the I-just-saw-a-war-movie-and-feel-the-urge-to-go-kill-people kind of way; but in the thoughts-presented-in-the-story-changed-my-way-of-thinking kind of way. We conform to our environment. It is why we have to be careful about what we say, choosey about who we keep company with, and confident in our purpose.

Since I was a child, I had dreams to change the world. I’ve been through many phases of how I was going to do that (from super hero to super model), but I always wanted to leave a lasting impression on the world. To be able to say, “I touched other people’s lives.” I don’t know where I found the confidence to think I was so important. While I was talented and involved in everything–honor student, community service volunteer, musician, actor, artist, Future Business Leader of America, dancer, costume designer, puppeteer, “IT guy,” sports guru, leader, etc.–I was wounded in a way I could never forget, and yet I tried to repress it. My parents got divorced when I was a child and in the wake of the destruction of their relationship I was emotionally abused and utterly lost faith in people. I lived my life trying to please everyone around me. Trying to be perfect in everything I did. Trying to vindicate my life by working without rest until I forced success on my life. And I never let anyone in my personal bubble because I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, abandonment, and abuse. Here I was, the girl with everything–talent, intelligence, beauty–and yet I felt no self-worth. I smile with my straight A’s as my teacher chooses to read my essay aloud to the class, as I am chosen to sing the biggest solo in the choir performance; but inside my mind was plagued with thoughts of suicide. Why?!? I have everything I need! I am perfect. I am who everyone wants to be. But it creeps in. You don’t even notice as your world becomes dark. You’re trying to repress the pain, but its swallowing you whole. And it is nothing you did wrong. It is all because of something someone else did. And even worse, something done to you, you don’t even know or remember. It is so much harder to forgive someone when you don’t even know that you need to forgive them.

I feel for Hannah because I was in the same boat. Different issues, but same obstacles nonetheless. My parents didn’t tell me everything that happened, didn’t relay everything that was important for me to know because they were trying to cover their sins, their mistakes, and their parents mistakes. But none of us can be free until we hear the truth! We can’t forgive unless there is something to forgive. But when we do come to the realization that everything in our lives wasn’t perfect. We have to set down the burden that is weighing on our hearts and take a leap of faith to offer up that forgiveness. To be the bigger person. To start a new cycle. A cycle of forgiveness.

That emotional connection is the greatest thing that can come out of a film in my opinion; but not the only great thing to come out of this film. It’s funny how the little moments in life add up to something great, sometimes. When my parents got divorced and all the family’s possessions were divided up, my mother somehow scored the family video camera my grandfather bought us. My father recorded family videos of every occasion. My mother, on the other hand, has a hard time turning on anything with a power button. Me? I could program the VCR before I could walk. And I loved that video camera! Granted I could only carry it for a few moments, and had to build “tripods” to set it up for long periods of time. Film has always been my favorite medium to tell stories. I do draw, paint, design clothes, play guitar, sing, design and write; but taking everything I do and putting it together… creates an unmatched feeling of success. I wrote scripts, drew storyboards, got all the neighborhood kids to act, designed sets and costumes, etc. It was my world to escape from the one I was in. And my way to express myself. Tell my story. I would later go to film school. And build my own PC designed specifically for video editing.

October Baby made me reflect on my life. And inspired me to follow my own dreams. To me, filmmaking was always a hobby. And an incredible waste of my college education to “study” it. But it is a passion I cannot get rid of. But I don’t want to struggle to make lame independent films no one sees. And I don’t want to go to Hollywood to sell my soul to please someone else. I never saw an outlet for my passion. But the Erwin brothers found it. And I’m inspired to follow in their footsteps. To be a part of something like October Baby.

The cinematography is gorgeous in this film. It’s not a home video shot by amateurs. Some of the shots took my breath away. Alabama has never looked so good. The acting was phenomenal. Every one of the actors seemed to embrace their role and live it; it wasn’t a cheesy production made with whoever close happened to make it to the shoot. The script was well thought out. Words chosen to make an impact without straying or rambling about unnecessary elements. The difficult to achieve balance between drama and comedy was spot on. This movie had me balling my eyes out, and yet left goofy one-liners in my mind I’ll be repeating forever. It was nothing I thought it would be. But, everything I could have hoped for. A message with the potential to touch and change lives; but without being “preachy” or “hokie”. It finished and I wanted to watch it again. And the most touching thing for me to see was watching the credits as more than half of the audience still glued to their chairs watched the names of those people involved in the creation of this film roll across the big screen. I love that. If my name was on that list, I’d want everyone to see it, too. And it’s touching to see an audience that cares about who and what went into the production of a film. I probably sound like I’m gushing. But I was completely caught off guard at how much I enjoyed this film. A diamond in the ruff of the film industry today. I hope that when the movie is released widespread in March 2012 that people go out to see a great movie. Forget the hype about it being “anti-abortion,” forget the idea that it’s a “Christian” film so it must be “preachy” and horribly acted. It’s a great movie. One worth the inflated theatre pricing.

Every life is beautiful; sometimes we need to hear the story of others to be assured of the beauty of our own. My challenge to you, is go watch the film and note that beauty. Find the courage to ask yourself, “Who am I?” Be honest with yourself. You are not your circumstances. It is what you do that defines who you are. Not your title or your career, but what you DO.

Who am I? I’m a writer. I am a daughter of God. I am chosen. I am an artist. I am a creative dreamer. I am a story teller. I am my talents. I am my future. I am Mel Sigrist; and I am a filmmaker.

Note: This is an archive post originally from my Faith & Filmmaking blog.